The Role of Sex in Creating True Love – Part of the Restoration of All Things

By Ryan Steed Parks

True Love

“True Love” is not just something found in fairy tales. It is as real as life and was designed by God. It is fully achievable and can last forever. Our hearts were made for it. Our hearts yearn for it. We will always be incomplete without it. True Love satisfies many of our deepest yearnings and is the substance of dreams.

However, you are never going to find True Love. It is not possible to find. It is not found; it is created. And it is within the grasp of every couple. But True Love is not free, nor does it come easily. It takes intentional decisions and effort. It takes a lot of work. But the end result is more than worth the effort. The result can reach into, and span, eternity.

What are you willing to give to receive True Love? How much do you really want it? It’s not without significant cost; nothing of great value ever is. Are you willing to do what it takes to profoundly love someone else like you want to be deeply loved? If so, the truths in this work will help you create the True Love you seek.

Sexual Relations are for Creating Life and True Love

Sexual relations were designed by God for the purpose of creating new life and creating True Love. Proper sexual relations can help us achieve our highest potential and greatest joy. However, sexual intimacy is a two-edged sword. Like any great force, the improper use of sexual intimacy also has equal power to destroy. According to President Spencer W. Kimball, the misuse of sex is the number one cause of divorce. He said:

“…if you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find there are one, two, three, four reasons. Generally sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason.”[1]

Sexual intimacy is one of the most powerful tools available to couples. In order to have a successful and lasting marriage, sex must be well understood and properly mastered. In healthy couples, sex lies, literally, at the heart of the relationship. And, because sexual intimacy is so powerful, it must be controlled and used in the ways God designed it to be used. This is the only way to achieve the greatest joy and fulfillment possible. Priceless True Love and eternal family relationships can be the result. Few topics are more important than this one.

[1] The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982, p. 312.

Foundational Principles

True Love can only be built on a proper foundation. The following interconnected principles are part of that foundation:

Marriage and family provide the vital framework and opportunities for the greatest possible personal joy and fulfillment.

Marriage and family ALSO provide the framework and opportunities for great personal misery and suffering.

Your greatest possible joy and fulfillment can only be achieved through the proper use of sexual relations.

Proper sexual relations include full expression within the marriage relationship, and no expression without.

For the best results, sexual expression within a marriage relationship needs to be coupled with living the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, including: faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome activities.

In order to achieve True Love, each individual in the relationship must have complete freedom of choice in all of their decisions.

Both giving and receiving inspire personal joy, but giving inspires more personal joy than receiving.

True giving inspires love and joy. True receiving inspires love and gratitude.

Gratitude is akin to joy, but can only exist when you do not believe that you are entitled to the gifts that you receive.

Entitlement undermines gratitude, happiness, and joy.

A continuation of the principles necessary to create True Love is the only way to keep True Love.

CHAPTER 1

Gifts, Entitlement, Hope, and Love

Your spirit that animates your body is a gift from God. Your body, your abilities, your experiences, your knowledge, your wisdom, your opportunities, your possessions, your family, your children, and your friends are all gifts from God. One of the greatest gifts of God is to be married to a good person, who really does love you. In this era, this gift is less than common.

You are not entitled to any of the aforementioned gifts. If you compare yourself to others and believe you are entitled to something because they have it, you are seriously mistaken. That which someone else has received has no bearing on you (ultimately). You are not entitled to something because others have it. Nor are you entitled to something because you consider having it to be a “normal” condition (meaning most people have it). “Normal,” or average gift distribution, has nothing to do with you. Believing we are entitled to something is a personal deception.

“I earned it”

If yIf you believe you are entitled to something because you “earned it” or “created it on your own,” you are also seriously mistaken. What you have already acquired during your life you never earned or created on your own. You acquired what you have by utilizing the gifts that had already been given to you, AND by the continued reception of new gifts which sustained you and brought you to where you are now.

You did not accomplish something “on your own” any more than a plant created a flower. The plant was given the ability beforehand to bring forth the flower. The flower was not its own creation. The flower was made possible by He who designed the plant and the flower, long before it appeared.

Our Creator put the plant’s life in motion, with its flowers in embryo. He then supplied the plant with every necessity to bring its flowers to maturity. All flowers are the natural and continuing consequences of the work of God. He grants and allows the plant to enjoy its gifted ability to flower. Other organisms in God’s creation may also rejoice in this plant’s gift to flower.

The “flowers” or achievements you and I bring forth are the same.

Your spirit was first created by God in Heaven. He gave you freedom of thought (agency). You chose to follow His plan to come to earth and receive a “physical” body. God created the “physical” bodies of your primordial parents Adam and Eve. And as a direct result of them, and in turn, God granted and allowed your earthly parents to create a body for you.

Some of the individuals who come to earth are gifted by God with loving parents. Others are not. Everything has a price though. Where much is given, much is required of God. Where less is given, less is required. No person is entitled to loving parents or any other gift, including life.

Every moment of your life, up until this very moment, has been a gift from God to you. And, at this moment, you are being sustained by His continuing gifts. These gifts include your life, the air you breathe, light and heat, the water you drink, the food you eat, your opportunities, your relationships, and so on. You, and all of these things, come from God. You did not create yourself. You do not create your “flowers” (achievements). Nor did you create “on your own” ANY of the many things that currently sustain and bless you.

Everything you have was, and is, gifted from God. Everything you do requires gifted life, gifted knowledge, gifted wisdom, gifted energy, gifted resources, on a gifted world. Under your power alone, you cannot do anything. You could not even choose to exist. You have never had sufficient power to achieve or acquire anything “on your own.”

It is important that we see things as they really are. Our existence and all the blessings of our lives are gifts from God, our Heavenly Father. He owes us nothing. Every moment is another gift from Him, overflowing with more blessings.

“I know best.”

In spite of our true, dependent situation, it is good to have wants and hopes. It is good to want, seek, and hope for “flowers” (achievements). These desires generally yield positive results. You may think, “I want a loving spouse, many friends, a nice house, a car,” etc. Such positive wants and hopes can help drive us to action.

However, when we choose to expect our wants, we move into the realm of entitlement. This is when we decide that we have some kind of right to our wants, that we are entitled to them. Expectations are a manifestation of an entitlement mentality.

We have expectations when we decide in our mind what “should” or “shouldn’t” be. This is not our decision though. “Should?”……Why “should” it be? … Who are we to decide what “should” and “should not” be? Isn’t that really up to our Heavenly Father?

“Should” is a very problematic word, and using it often reflects arrogance. What we believe “should” be is our own opinion. It is a declaration that we think we know what is best in a given situation. Maybe we are right. But without knowledge from God, we can’t be sure. It is good to be open to the possibility that we are not right. And with our limited understanding of the universe, we are not right often.

It is a common practice to create mental images of how we think everything around us “should” be. And this is typically what we “expect” will be. We decide how our day “should” go, how our project “should” go, how our home “should” be, how our spouse “should” be, how our children “should” be, and so on. We expect people to do what we think they “should” do. When we choose to think this way, we believe that we are entitled to having our life, and the people in it, comply with our mental expectations. How arrogant is that?!

It gets worse. In real life, it is rare for things to go exactly the way we expect them to go. Perhaps, our day did not go the way we expected it would go, or our spouse or child did not do what we believed they “should” do. As a direct result of the expectations we chose, we often feel disappointed, hurt, and sometimes angry.

When things do not go the way we think they “should” go, we often suffer. We might even be tempted to lash out at others, or even Heavenly Father, because we are upset. If we do so, we are implying that we know better than others and God concerning what is best.

Expectation Sabotage

It is common to choose (it is a choice) our expectations, based on the culture in which we live. People of different backgrounds and cultures typically formulate different expectations. We might choose to believe that we are entitled to what we perceive as being “normal” in our culture. In this case, we might believe we are entitled to have and do what we think others have and do.

Sometimes, we may choose and expect to have and do more than what we think is “normal,” because we arrogantly believe we are superior to others. There is, virtually, no limit to the entitlements we may choose to believe we deserve. These entitlements are often based on our perceived self-importance. However, all of this is only in our minds. It is not real. Remember, entitlement is a mental choice.

Adopting Cultural Expectations

Many times we choose to participate in cultural traditions. Perhaps, in your culture, elaborate weddings are common. Perhaps, you choose to believe that you and your future spouse are entitled to such a wedding. There is nothing wrong with an elaborate wedding, in and of itself. Problems arise when there are unhealthy motivations for it, or an over-expenditure of resources (including time) to achieve it.

If you choose to believe this way, are you trying to impress people? Do you believe the wedding is somehow a reflection of your self-worth? Do you believe you are entitled to an elaborate wedding? Are you delaying getting married in order to gather more resources to spend on your wedding? All of these motivations reflect self-defeating beliefs.

Trying to impress others will undermine your confidence. Your self-worth has nothing to do with your material circumstances. And you are truly not entitled to anything. Certainly, your personal fulfillment and happiness is not related to your wedding budget. Avoid such self-defeating beliefs. And do not unnecessarily delay getting married when you have found your companion. There is danger in it. Do not succumb to an entitlement mentality. Doing so will undermine your happiness and success.

Sometimes we choose to believe we are entitled to our ideals (our mental image of how we think the world “should” be). Choosing this belief will likely be frustrating, because it does not reflect reality (the truth). We need to accept things as they are, hope and strive for the best in all things, and avoid choosing to believe we are entitled to anything. Doing so takes humility and patience.

Effects of Expectations

Choosing to have or not to have expectations has a major impact on our happiness and relationships. Notice the very different outcomes in the following four scenarios:

Scenario 1:

Tom and Sarah were married. They needed a car. Tom’s parents gave them an older car. Tom did not expect his parents to give them a car. Tom was overwhelmed with love and gratitude toward his parents. His parents felt love and joy by giving the car to Tom and Sarah. All involved felt love and happiness, and relationships were strengthened.

Scenario 2:

Tom and Sarah were married. They needed a car. Tom’s parents did not give them a car. Tom did not expect his parents to give them a car. Tom and Sarah started to save money together to buy one.

Scenario 3:

Luke and Anna were married. They needed a car. Luke thought that parents “should” give their children a car when they marry and expected one. Luke’s parents gave them an older car. Luke was disappointed with the car and received it reluctantly. His parents were disappointed with him for not being more grateful. All involved were disappointed, and relationships were strained.

Scenario 4:

Luke and Anna were married. They needed a car. Luke thought that parents “should” give their children a car when they marry and expected one. Luke’s parents did not give them a car. Luke was upset with his parents. His parents were upset with him for expecting them to give him a car. All involved were upset, and relationships were strained.

As you can see, unfulfilled expectations invoke personal disappointment, suffering, and damage relationships. The same event that results in someone with expectations being upset, can result in a person without expectations feeling happy. Choosing to believe you are entitled to something (having expectations) encourages negative outcomes. In contrast, choosing to believe the things you receive in life are gifts (which is the truth) encourages positive outcomes for you and the people who surround you.

Expressing Expectations

Expressing expectations to others often increases the harm caused by them. When we choose to express an expectation we have for someone to them directly, we are typically trying to influence them. Another way of saying this is we are trying to get them to do our will.

Even if this is a common practice in our society, it is still a form of manipulation. And hard feelings can result. It is wrong to try to control self-accountable individuals. When we try to do so, relationships are strained. In principle and practice, individual freedom always needs to be respected. This is especially important in the marriage relationship.

Tyranny can be found at the heart of every conflict. The violation of a person’s freedom can range from petty to grievous, but if you break down any conflict to its most basic principles, you will always find an attempt to infringe upon the freedoms of another. The principle is universal.

When we choose to express the expectations we have for someone to them directly, they will likely feel pressure to comply. If they feel that you are trying to control them, resentment usually follows. Further, if they choose not to comply with our expectations, we will likely be displeased. And they may feel awkward or upset with us. Having and expressing expectations in relationships is typically a lose-lose situation.

Perhaps you believe you are just “helping” the person make a good decision? It is important to recognize that their decision is their decision; it is not your decision. Rationalizing the use of controlling behavior does not change what it is. Mature, self-accountable individuals need to be fully free to make their own decisions.

Once a person reaches a self-accountable age (not children), they are completely responsible for their owndecisions. And they need to be able to freely make their own decisions. That doesn’t mean that you can’t have boundaries and consequences in relation to the choices they make toward you. Those defenses are certainly important for protecting yourself and your property.

WHAT YOU DO in relation to what others do to you IS YOUR DECISION. And EVERYTHING THEY DO IS THEIR DECISION. That is right. And it is necessary for relationships to function properly. The reverse is true also. You wouldn’t want them trying to control you either. All individuals have the same God-given rights. Personal decision making needs to be free of outside interference.

If you love someone, you will, naturally, hope that they make good decisions. Teach them as much truth as you can. They may choose to believe you and they may choose not to believe you. That is their choice alone. And what they choose to do with their life is their choice alone. You will never be able to control their mind, and that is a very good thing. That independence is what makes them an individual.

If they are young, they will need guidance. As they mature, they will need less and less guidance. Once they have become sufficiently mature, it is no longer appropriate to attempt to steer their life. They will have become free agents unto themselves. Each person will become an independent individual. Hope the best for them, but do not expect them to do your will. It is not appropriate to try to control a self-accountable individual.

A True Gift or Manipulation

There are many different reasons why people offer us gifts. (“Gifts” here are to be understood in the larger sense of as all forms of giving.) The many different motivations for giving can be divided into two general categories. There are true gifts and false gifts.

The giver of a true gift is sincerely motivated by love (love=freedom). The giver of a false gift is motivated by a desire to control. False gifts are given to manipulate people and situations. Both types of gifts can be indistinguishable on the surface. It is the giver’s motivation that matters.

It is not wise to receive all gifts. Not all gifts are true gifts. Many come with expectations. When someone offers us a gift, we need to attempt to determine whether it is a true gift or a false gift. If we believe that the principal motivation behind the gift is real love, and we choose to receive that love, we can receive the true gift graciously and with gratitude. We can rejoice with the giver of that gift. The love between the giver and receiver is strengthened.

If we believe that the principal motivation of a gift is something other than real love, it is a false gift. That is because the gift comes with expectations. It is not really a “gift.” It is a payment for services. Therefore, we can either choose to accept the related obligations as we understand them, or refuse the “gift.” It is usually much safer to refuse false gifts. The expectations behind false gifts carry real-world consequences.

It is through false gifts that many people are seduced into the control of evil forces. These forces can range from someone trying to “influence” your personal decisions to gangs, organized crime, corrupt officers, and politicians. Anytime a “gift” is offered with the intent to manipulate, it is a false gift. This does not apply when the “gift” is part of an agreement clearly understood by all involved parties. In this case, it is a payment, not a gift. Once you receive a false gift (even if the giver claims it is without conditions), you owe the giver, and they will have a measure of control over you.

When a person receives a false gift they typically lose some of their personal freedom. This concept may be obvious with some “gifts,” but the subtle versions of this tactic, often found in marriages and family relationships, may not be so obvious. Understanding these principles clearly will help you to better see things as they are; and, therefore, have the ability to achieve greater love and unity in your relationships.

A true gift is always motivated by real love. This means that it is given without expecting anything in return from the recipient. A false gift masquerades as a true gift, but is in reality, a payment for services. It is the giver’s motivation that distinguishes a true gift from a false gift. The nature of the giver and the gift are inseparably connected. Only people who really love can give true gifts, and only true gifts can come from people who really love. If you know the true nature of the giver of the gift, then you will know the true purpose of the gift.

True gifts are ALWAYS motivated by love and a desire to do good to others; and love and a desire to do good to others is ALWAYS manifested by true gifts. Another way to say it is, only a good person loves and does good to others; and loving and doing good to others makes the giver a good person. Jesus Christ said it this way:

“Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.”[1]

These terms will now be altered to further clarify His message in the following way: “tree” will be replaced with “person,” “good” and “evil” with “true” and “false,” “fruits” with “gifts,” and “bringeth forth” with “gives”:

Even so every good person gives true gifts; but a corrupt person gives false gifts. A good person cannot give false gifts, neither can a corrupt person give true gifts. Every person that does not give true gifts is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their gifts ye shall know them.

In summary, if you are not loving and doing good to others (giving true gifts), you are “corrupt.”

[1] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Mathew 7:17-20.

Love or an Arrangement

What are the natures of the relationships in your life? Do you give and do good to others? Do you give primarily out of love, or as a payment for services? If you can answer this question, you will know whether you have a “good” or “corrupt” heart.

Just like a “tree,” you are inseparably connected to your “fruit.” If you bear fruit designed to love others, you bear “good fruit” and your heart is “good.” If you bear fruit designed to control others, you bear “evil fruit” and your heart is “corrupt.” It is that simple. There is a spectrum involved to this, but there are no exceptions to the principle.

Another way to state this principle is: if you are giving to others out of love, you are “good.” If you are not, you are “corrupt.” Mathew recorded:

“Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked [Jesus Christ] a question, tempting him, and saying, Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”[1]

In short, loving God first and others as yourself is the heart of God’s law.

How do you know if you are loving others as yourself? The answer is simple. If you are using your time and resources to benefit others (without expecting anything in return) as much as you do it for yourself, you are loving others as yourself. If you are not, you are not.

When you give, what is your motivation? Are you regularly giving to others without expecting anything in return? If so, you are regularly loving others. You have a good, loving heart. If when you give you expect something in return, you are not loving them. Your giving is a business arrangement. Your “giving” is not giving, it is a payment for services. That is fine, so long as there is a clear understanding what is going on between all parties involved. But if you portray your giving as a true gift when it is not, you have a “corrupt” heart. It is important to understand these principles in order to achieve True Love. You must first learn to love before you can attain to True Love.

[1] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Mathew 22:35-40; underlining added..

Learning to Love

What can you do if you recognize that your heart is “corrupt?” First, appreciate that you have enough integrity to make that realization and, hence, you have the ability to change your heart. You will need to do this before you can achieve True Love. Are you willing to put forth the effort? That again depends upon how much integrity your heart has. If so, must be willing to work hard enough to really change. A heart filled with love is required for you to experience True Love with all of its joy.

There is a simple, but not easy, way to create love in your heart. Because your heart and your giving are inseparably connected, you can change your heart by changing your giving. What does that mean? It means that, if you start using your time and resources to benefit others, without expecting anything in return, your heart will grow more love. (Your integrity will also increase.) Change your behavior this way, and your heart will also change. Remember, they are inseparably connected. But be patient. The change will take some time.

At first, your motivation for giving “without expecting anything in return” may be selfish (which is not love). You may be doing this to increase your own personal happiness and/or to avoid divine judgments. But continue practicing the new behavior…

Soon your heart will begin to feel more. You will start to experience more real love. That seedling of real love in time will grow into a tree. Feed it, nourish it, and cultivate it.

As this process continues, you will become more enlightened because more light will enter your being. You will feel more alive and be consistently happier. You will see and understand more. Nature and the earth will become more beautiful, colorful, and vibrant. You will have more and more inner peace. Your life will become better and better. You will have more and more joy and fulfillment.

Changes are difficult to make, and a major behavior change takes concerted effort and practice. Keep trying! Keep working at it. Keep getting up when you fall down. Pray to Heavenly Father that He will help you. Do not stop! Keep pushing forward! Pray again. Things will become easier and easier with practice. If you do not give up, you will succeed.

Platonic, Romantic, True, and Fullness of Love

All types of real love are manifest by the giving of true gifts. However, love has multiple tiers of depth. The lowest tier of love is Platonic Love. It is the non-romantic love we can achieve toward all living things. It requires some goodness and little integrity. It has many degrees of depth.

A tier above Platonic Love is Romantic Love. It is a deep form of emotional and sexual love and can only be shared with our spouse/partner(s). It requires more goodness and some integrity. It has many degrees of depth

A tier above Romantic Love is True Love. It is a much deeper form of emotional love and the deepest form of sexual love and can only be shared with our spouse. It requires extensive goodness and complete integrity (hence the need for marriage commitment). It has many degrees of depth

A tier above True Love is Fullness of Love. It is the ultimate form of love and can only be shared with God. It requires complete goodness and complete integrity. It is the most profound form of love and requires complete submission.

Giving Platonic Love to others is good and will bring you joy. Giving Romantic Love to your spouse is greater and will bring more joy. Giving True Love to your spouse is even better and will bring greater joy. And giving your whole heart to God is the best and will bring you a fullness of joy!

The heart is the center of both integrity and love. Notice how the capacity of your heart to love parallels its integrity. Each tier of love requires more integrity. You can give platonic love without possessing significant integrity, but you cannot give True Love without complete integrity! The more integrity you have, the more you can love. The more you love, the more you can experience joy.

Integrity is also the foundation of vulnerability and profound bonding, which are key elements in achieving True Love. Integrity allows loyalty; loyalty allows honesty; honesty allows authenticity; authenticity allows vulnerability; and vulnerability allows bonding. These principles will be covered in greater detail in the coming sections.

Receive Love with Gratitude

As previously explained, the things that others do for us which are motivated by love are true gifts. It is important to recognize that these gifts are not to be expected, because we are never entitled to them. This proper understanding allows us to receive the gifts with real love and gratitude. This is true receiving. Otherwise, we may believe we are entitled to the gifts given, and may not feel the accompanying happiness. Entitlement eliminates love and gratitude. Such feeling of entitlement can occur in all relationships, including marriage.

“But,” you might say, “my spouse and I made vows to love and serve each other. Doesn’t that mean we “should” serve each other?” Not in a way you determine for your spouse. How your spouse chooses to fulfill or not fulfill their vows is solely up to them, not you! What they do for you out of love is a true gift. Truly receive it with love and gratitude.

Even if you think your expectations for your spouse are consistent with what is “right,” that does not mean that they “should” comply with your view. Each one of us decides individually how we are going to fulfill the roles we have. Understanding and accepting this truth will lead to greater personal gratitude for what others do for us. And this will, in turn, increase our own personal happiness.

But don’t expectations motivate? Yes, expectations can motivate, but they may be grounded in negative emotions instead of positive ones. Fear is a strong motivator; but love is a much better one. Negative motivators, such as expectations, push us, while positive motivators, such as hope,draw us. Positive motivators give while motivating; negative motivators take while motivating.

Here is an example of how expectations can sabotage a marriage:

Both Mary and Rick, a married couple, choose to believe that a good husband “should” regularly bring home an adequate income for the family, and that a good wife “should” regularly have sex with her husband.

Mary and Rick’s expectations have set themselves up for disappointment, suffering, and lackluster love. Here is why:

IF Rick does bring home an “adequate” income “regularly,” and they do have sex “regularly,” then they have met their shared expectations and may be content IF, and only IF, they share the same belief about what that means.

But, IF Rick and Mary have different ideas about how much money is an “adequate” income and how often “regular” sex “should” be, then there will likely be disappointment and frustration between them. And WHEN, things don’t go as expected, as they often do, things will get much worse:

IF Rick doesn’t bring home an “adequate” income, Rick will likely be disappointed with himself because he believes he is not being a “good” husband; and Mary will likely be unhappy with Rick because she believes she is entitled to his “adequate” income.

And IF, by Mary’s choice,they don’t have “regular” sex, Mary will likely be disappointed with herself because she believes she is not being a “good” wife; and Rick will likely be unhappy with Mary because he believes he is entitled to “regular” sex with her.

And, IF Rick and/or Mary have any spoken or unspoken expectations connecting “adequate” income with “regular” sex, they have eliminated their opportunity to give these things to each other out of love, and have transformed them into payments for services instead of true gifts.

Rick and Mary’s shared expectations can eliminate much love, joy, gratitude, and bonding that could have been theirs. Without those expectations, Rick and Mary could have felt love and joy giving their true gifts, and love and gratitude in truly receiving them. They could have bonded with each episode of service.

Hopes Help Happiness

Here is the same example with elevated hopes instead of entitlement:

Mary and Rick both hope that Rick will bring home an adequate income for the family. They also hope to enjoy sex together often.

In this example, Rick and Mary hope for good things but do not believe they are entitled to them. They don’t have different ideas about their expectations because they don’t have expectations. AND, even though the amount of income or frequency and quality of sex may vary…

WHEN Rick brings home income, Rick will likely be pleased with himself for doing so. Mary will likely feel love and gratitude toward Rick for the income he brought home.

WHENthey have sex, Mary will likely be pleased with herself for the sharing. Rick will likely feel love and gratitude toward Mary for their sexual relationship.

AND the income or sex they give to each other without expecting anything in return will be true gifts given out of love.

Can you see how hope, instead of entitlement, makes relationships so much better? Hope promotes more love, joy, and bonding. Living your life with hope instead of entitlement requires love, faith, maturity, humility, and practice. Many of us have developed the negative habit of expecting everythingto be according to our will. This habit is not easy to break, but doing so is important for our good and for the good of those around us.

Faith is Hope’s Action

“Should” we expect things from God, since we know that He will always do what is “right?”

Can you see the many layers of inherent problems with this question?

If we expect God to save us, are we exercising faith? No, we are not. If we expect God to answer our prayers, are we exercising faith? No, we are not. Faith is the substance of things which are hoped for and not seen. FAITH IS BELIEVING IN GOD, BELIEVING GOD’S WORDS, AND ACTING ACCORDINGLY TO THAT BELIEF. That is faith. Our hope in things not seen moves us to action. And through our action, we hope to receive the promised blessings. Faith is hope’s action.

If we expect Heavenly Father to answer our prayers, we set ourselves up for disappointment, suffering, and a lackluster relationship with Him. Here is why:

OUR HEAVENLY FATHER ALWAYS ANSWERS SINCERE PRAYERS. At the same time, HE ALWAYS DOES THAT WHICH IS BEST for His children. Notwithstanding this, it is common for us, His children, to ask Him for that which is NOT BEST. Our mortal perspective is extremely shortsighted and we often do not know what is best for us and others.

Would Heavenly Father be doing that which is best for us if He granted us things that are not good for us? Of course not. That would be contrary to His perfect character. He, instead, always answers our sincere prayers in ways that are best for us.

Struggle, Pain, and Suffering

With our limited vision concerning this mortal state, we often assume that struggle, pain, and suffering are bad things. This assumption is usually false. These challenges are powerful teachers and usually the pathway to wisdom and greater achievement. Think of it this way: Does anyone seriously engage in weightlifting without accepting that some pain and suffering is required to progress? Struggle, pain, and suffering accelerate our progression.

WHEN Heavenly Father answers our prayers in ways different than our preconceived expectations (which is common), we may not even perceive His answers. When His answer does not match our mental image of how we think He “should” answer us, we often won’t perceive it. It takes practice to learn that His answers are found in what transpires after our sincere prayers.

WHEN our Heavenly Father gives us something different than our expectations, which is better for us, and we don’t see it that way, we may feel disappointed and frustrated. The heart of the issue is this: We want our will to be done instead of our Father’s will. This is exactly opposite to the way Jesus Christ lived His life, and the way He taught us to pray. Jesus said:

“After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven,… Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.”[1]

If we falsely believe that we have a cause and effect “arrangement” with God, we destroy our ability to see His true gifts for what they are. His gifts are not given to us as payments for that which we do (“payments for services”); His gifts are eternal, true gifts, given out of love. The reason He wants us to obey Him is not for His benefit; it is for our benefit. He is God; He doesn’t need anything from us. He does what He does out of love for us.

Let us ask and hope for true gifts from Heavenly Father, but not believe that we are entitled to them. Can you see how hope instead of entitlement makes everything so much better? This approach promotes more love, joy, and a better relationship with our Heavenly Father.

Again, living your life with hope instead of entitlement requires love, faith, maturity, humility, and practice. Forms of the word “expect” are only found three times in the Bible.[2] And of those passages, only one involves a mortal person, a beggar who thought he was entitled to a handout.[3] Forms of the word “hope” are found 135 times in the Bible.

Hope for much good and expect nothing. Leave what “should” and “should not” be up to Heavenly Father. He is the only one who can truly say what “should” and “should not” be. What personally transpires after your sincere prayers to Him is His will.

[1] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Mathew 6:9, 10; underlining added.

[2] The Holy Bible, King James Version.

[3] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Acts 3:5.

An Entitlement Mentality Makes You a Victim

ANOTHER problem with choosing to have an entitlement mentality is that, by doing so, we often forfeit personal freedom and skirt personal responsibility. Expectations cloud our ability to see the connection between our actions and our personal outcomes. We lose sight of our true ability to make beneficial changes in our lives.

When we choose this mentality, we attempt to shift our personal responsibility for outcomes onto others. This results in falsely believing that we cannot control the outcomes. Therefore, we do not try. This harmful mentality stifles personal progress. It manifests itself in various forms, including the following beliefs:

“I cannot succeed because this happened to me…”

“I am not achieving good results because of this outside thing I can’t control…”

“I need someone to… before I can succeed…”

“I am unhappy because this happened to me…”

“I suffer because someone wronged me…”

“I need something so I can succeed…”

“I need something so I can be happy…”

The main idea is:

“I am a victim of things outside of my control.”

When we indulge in this entitlement mentality, we see ourselves as a victim of our circumstances. Instead of achieving desired results, or attempting to improve ourselves or our condition, we blame our shortcomings on things outside of our control. This has serious repercussions on personal progress. We believe we can’t achieve because of the unfulfilled expectations that we have for others, the world, and/or Heavenly Father.

Choosing Freedom and Personal Progress

Here is a trivial, but clarifying, example of entitlement mentality.Let’s assume that you value birthday celebrations, and it is important for you to have a special dinner on your birthday. Imagine the following:

On the evening of your birthday, you enter the kitchen with anticipation. There you see your spouse thawing old corndogs from the freezer for dinner… (corndogs are a cheap, often undesirable, processed food.)

Now you have a choice. You can choose to forgo your desire for a special dinner on your birthday and eat old corndogs, or you can choose to honor your desire to have a special dinner.

IF you expected that your spouse would provide you a special dinner, you shifted the responsibility for receiving your desire onto someone else. Because of your decision to expect some else to do it, you largely gave away control of the outcome. The outcome was transferred outside of your control in your mind.

Let’s continue with the scenario. Because of your expectation, you will likely EITHER begrudgingly eat the old corndogs for dinner and be disappointed, OR express your expectation for your spouse to provide the special dinner. Both will have negative consequences.

It is unlikely that it would occur to you to provide the birthday dinner yourself, because you chose to believe you were entitled to someone else providing for you. But even if you did end up providing your own special birthday dinner, you would still likely be upset with your spouse because of your expectation.

You may even go so far as to angrily believe that your spouse “forced” you to provide your own birthday dinner yourself! “The audacity!” you think. But such thinking is a choice, which is both arrogant and destructive.

On the other hand, if you had hoped, instead of expected, that your spouse would provide you with a special dinner on your birthday, you kept the responsibility for that outcome. You maintained control of it mentally.

When you became aware that your spouse was not going to make the dinner that you were hoping for, you could have chosen to provide the dinner yourself OR chosen to eat the old corndogs your spouse was preparing. It is unlikely you would have been upset either way, because you did not expect anything from anyone and you were not “compelled” to do anything. You freely chose the final outcome of your birthday dinner desire. And, you remained empowered to make it happen.

Our choices and actions have consequences that emanate outward. For example, if you chose to expect your spouse to make the special dinner for you, but you believe you were “forced” to provide the dinner yourself, you may be upset. Then, what happens when your spouse comes to you with an unrelated request for something they hope you will do for them? You might choose to deny their request simply because you are upset with them. Such a choice could lead to more negative results. All this could happen, even if your spouse did nothing wrong. It was your choice to have expectations that sabotaged you and your relationship.

Self Expectations

We often choose to have expectations for ourselves in the same way that we have them for others. These choices can also be negative. When we create mental images of the way we think we “should” be, what we “should” have, or how we “should” act, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Our expectations for ourselves are often unrealistic and can sabotage the relationship we have with ourselves in the same ways that they can hurt relationships with others.

WHEN we don’t meet our own expectations, we can feel displeased with ourselves. Self-doubt, anxiety, and depression are often caused by having these expectations. If we do not achieve what we think we “should,” we might punish ourselves for our supposed shortcomings. We are often disappointed with what we are and what we do because we’re “not good enough” to meet our own or someone else’s expectations.

Leave what you “should” be and what you “should” do to God. He is the only one who knows. Hope for much success and strive for it, but ultimately rely on the redeeming power of Jesus Christ.

We can not only choice to expect “good” things in our lives, but we can also choose to expect “bad” things. In this case, we may become upset even before anything “bad” happens. These types of expectations can result in fear, anxiety, and paranoia.

Such expectations are also based in false realities. They are personal deceptions. They result from believing things that are not true about ourself, others, the world, and God. By choosing to accept false ideas, we fall into false entitlement mentalities and suffer needlessly.

We can choose to have more hope and fewer expectations by changing our beliefs and thought patterns to better match reality (truth). Beliefs and thought patterns are often habits. Habits are chosen by us (intentionally or unintentionally). And like any habit, they are changed by us through reevaluation, desire to change, effort, and practice. Good habits begin with knowing the truth. “…the truth shall make you free.”[1]

[1] The Holy Bible, King James Version, John 8:32.

Knowledge of Good and Evil

After the creation of this world, God created Adam’s “physical” body and placed him in the Garden of Eden.

“And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.”[1]

Later, God created Eve’s “physical” body. He also married Adam and Eve.

“Therefore shall a man leave his Father and his Mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”[2]

“…the woman…took of the fruit [of the tree of knowledge of good and evil], and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons [to cover their nakedness].”[3]

It was God’s foreknowledge from the beginning that Adam and Eve would eat the fruit of the tree of “knowledge of good and evil.” He created that tree, and put it in the garden with them, to permit them to do so. It was a vital part of His plan of joy and He knew exactly what would happen. He commanded Adam not to eat of the fruit because: “in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.”[4]

God is only the author of good and would not force upon Adam and Eve the mortality and death that eating the fruit would bring. God does not condone negative means to accomplish positive ends. Those consequences rested solely on Adam and Eve because they had been duly warned by Him.

The resultant condition of the world seems negative, but it was, and is, a critical condition for the growth and development of Adam, Eve, and all of us. We are the descendants of Adam and Eve, and inherited their same mortal condition because we are literally part of them. We are biological extensions of their bodies.

Our bodies came into existence by means of sexual relations, new growth, and the separation of that new growth from its originating source. Our biological cells are literally an extension of Adam and Eve’s biological cells. That is why we share their same condition. And Adam and Eve’s cells were an extension of God. We descend from God and, like Adam and Eve, gain “knowledge of good and evil” by interacting with a corrupt mortal world.

[1] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Genesis 2:16-17.

[2] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Genesis 2:24, 25; capitalization modernized.

[3] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Genesis 3:6,7.

[4] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Genesis 2:16-17.

Shame is for Vulnerability

At first, Adam and Eve felt no shame being naked together.

“And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”[1]

Satan, not knowing the mind of God, tried to destroy this world. He, unwittingly, set the next step of God’s plan in motion by tempting Eve. He spoke to Eve by the mouth of a serpent, and used half truths to convince her to eat the fruit of the special tree. This is what needed to happen:

“And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. And… she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons [to relieve their shame].”[2]

After Adam and Eve ate the special fruit, they became “as gods.” And they felt shame, being naked together.

What are the purposes for the intense shame that we feel when we are naked, which we inherited from our Progenitors?

One purpose is to help keep men and women from engaging in sexual relations before marriage. After marriage, the main purpose of shame is to create vulnerability. By our inherited nature, we feel self-conscious and vulnerable when naked. An intimate part of us is exposed. This God-given vulnerability, when used properly, is a chief bonding tool for married couples.

Without this divine shame, the bonding capacity of couples would be drastically reduced. It is by passing through this shame together that you and your spouse are able to bond deeply, and truly get to know each other. “Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived,”[3] It is by shame that we become vulnerable. And by passing through that vulnerability together, we bond.

[1] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Genesis 2:25.

[2] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Genesis 3:4-7.

[3] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Genesis 4:1.

Vulnerability is for Bonding

God created the deepest yearnings of our hearts. He made many of these yearnings to be both sexual and shameful (embarrassing). There is a dichotomy between our shame and our sexual yearnings. They pull us in opposite directions. Shame (embarrassment) is an opposing force to sexual fulfillment. These two forces create a conflict within us.

Strong yearnings are the motivation for us to overcome our shame and pass through our vulnerability. It is an emotional struggle to do so. This struggle stretches us and makes us grow emotionally. When this journey is with another person (as is with sexual relations), it stretches both parties and helps them to grow together. The result is that they bond deeply.

The deepest bonding comes from the greatest struggles. Think of a time when you have deeply bonded with someone. It was probably the result of a difficult struggle that you went through together.

Assuming that basic prerequisites are met, like marriage and fidelity, the most profound sexual bonding is achieved by the following sequence:

Having very strong sexual yearnings;
Feeling extremely vulnerable concerning the fulfillment of those yearnings because of shame;
Passing through that emotional struggle together;
Wholly fulfilling those yearnings;
Thereby, creating a powerfully uniting bond.

We may not be able to achieve this level of bonding all of the time. But, the point is, the more vulnerable we are together, the more profound our bonds can be.

It is important to note that being vulnerable is a double-edged sword. It can cut both ways. Just as it can bring victory, it can also bring defeat. When you are vulnerable with someone else, you are emotionally exposed. You place yourself in a delicate, insecure position, a “vulnerable” position.

The person with whom you are being vulnerable may support you in your vulnerability, or they may not. If they support you, you will love them for such support, and feel emotionally connected to them. When both parties give to each other this way, a bond will naturally result.

If they do not support your vulnerability with them, you will likely be emotionally wounded and withdraw from them. The relationship will be damaged. IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO REWARD YOUR SPOUSE WHENEVER THEY ARE VULNERABLE WITH YOU!!! Trust is earned slowly and lost quickly.

Bonding is for True Love

A lukewarm approach to loving your spouse will never achieve the highest level of love and fulfillment for either of you. You, individually, can achieve great happiness and fulfillment by deeply loving and serving your spouse, regardless of how they respond to you. However, the greatest joy and fulfillment comes when a husband and wife deeply love and serve each other at the same time. In this situation, both receive the greater giving joy, and also the secondary receiving joy. The result is True Love.

True Love is priceless. It is worth more than any worldly prestige or possessions because it can bring far more happiness than any of those things. God can also make it eternal. By divine design, True Love is within the reach of every husband and wife, no matter how different they are from each other.

To attain True Love, you will need to push yourself in uncomfortable ways. Like weightlifting, the process requires discomfort and struggle. Nothing truly magnificent has ever been accomplished without discomfort and struggle.

True Love is the highest and greatest love couples can share, and it can only be achieved by a total effort. Your part in the effort is to discover what the full expression of True Love looks like for your spouse, and then create it to the best of your abilities. That is the great task, and it will take lots of effort and time. But the results can be glorious!

Uncomfortable by Design

Men and women are made so that the yearnings of their hearts do not entirely match up. This mismatch creates an opportunity for intentional love. The husband does not inherently understand the desires of his wife. The same is true for the wife concerning the desires of her husband.

Both need to make a concerted effort to, first, learn how to love their spouse in the ways that mean the most love to them and, then, continually try to love them in those ways. It is work, often uncomfortable work. The effort and difficulty involved are part of the price, and add to the value of the offering from one spouse to the other.

Sincere offerings are true gifts. They are not payments for services. Nothing is expected in return. Such offerings increase the love of the giver for the receiver. The personal sacrifice of the giver will also increase the personal joy of the giver. And, as long as the receiver does not falsely believe that they are entitled to the true gift, the offering will increase the love of the receiver for the giver. And the receiver will feel gratitude (which is a form of happiness).

A Heart Capable of True Love

Vulnerability, authenticity, and honesty are all part of having integrity. Being vulnerable is being authentic and honest. The heart is the center of both integrity and love. A heart’s capacity for True Love is measured by its integrity. True Love requires exposing your true self and being totally and completely honest (authentic and vulnerable). Both spouses must be able to be this way to create True Love.

If you are not being 100% loyal to your spouse, you are incapable of being completely honest (authentic) and vulnerable. And without that authenticity and vulnerability, it is not possible for you to fully bond with your spouse. In that condition, you are incapable of achieving True Love. True Love, foundationally, requires complete integrity.

Suppose, on occasion, you “harmlessly” flirt with others. If you hide your actions from your spouse, you are “two-faced.” You do not have full integrity, and it is not possible for you to be fully authentic (honest) or fully vulnerable.

ALSO, if your spouse thinks you might be engaging with others in some inappropriate way, your spouse will not be able to be vulnerable with you. They will not open up to you until their trust in you, which is based on your integrity, is restored. Love, integrity, vulnerability, authenticity, and honesty are all aspects of one whole.

If you are hiding something from your spouse, doesn’t it make sense to confess it to them while you still can? Until you do, your relationship cannot progress properly. And you will never be able to achieve True Love together. It is not possible.

You also risk more severe consequences to the relationship if you wait until your spouse eventually finds out. If you do this, the trust they that have in you will likely be damaged much more. It is in the best interest of both of you to be honest and forthcoming with the truth. Trying to hide truth is like trying to stand on a beach ball under water. The balancing act is exhausting, and without continuing effort, the ball pops up and you go down,… maybe forever.

Here is one way to approach confessing to your spouse. First, say that you want to take your relationship together to the next level. And, that this will require a higher level of honesty and transparency. Say that there are some things you haven’t shared because you were ashamed to do so. Ask if you can safely do so now.

If your spouse agrees, ask them to please have patience and understanding with you. Tell them this is hard for you to do, but you know you need to be completely honest with them. Then, humbly share with them everything you have been hiding.

Acknowledge and take full responsibility for all wrongdoing you have done. Do not excuse any bad behavior. Admit the truth, apologize if appropriate, and ask for forgiveness for what you have done and not telling them sooner.

Be sure to also properly acknowledge any wrongdoing to God in your prayers. Try to repair any damage you have done. Make full restitution where possible. Humbly ask God to forgive you. And strive to never make the same mistakes again.

The Power of Attraction

One reason Adam and Eve could not procreate in their immortal garden state was because they could not physically have sex. Adam did not fully comprehend that Eve was naked and, therefore, he could not have a physical response to her natural beauty. After they ate of the fruit of the tree of “knowledge of good and evil,” they became “as gods” and could procreate.

“…the woman…took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and…her husband…did eat. And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked;”[1]

“Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived,”[2]

To a healthy man, there is nothing in the whole world more physically attractive and desirable than a beautiful, alluringly dressed or nude woman. God designed men this way to benefit both men and women. Wives, you have immense power because you have an unlimited supply of what a man desires most. And God made men so that they always want what you can offer and never grow tired of it. Can you see the economics of this relationship? Think of the power you wield! Use that power to create True Love with your husband!

Maybe you don’t consider yourself to be physically attractive. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” and there are many types of beauty other than physical. But as for your physical beauty in your intimate relationship, sensually appealing clothing can be a great resource. Certain types of clothing can significantly improve your visual appearance. And dressing in those types of clothing can often make you more attractive to your spouse than wearing no clothing at all. Everyone has the ability to make themselves more attractive to their spouse by wearing clothing that is sensually appealing.

Some may say that it is lustful for someone to take pleasure in their spouse’s sensual dress. Jesus Christ taught:

“But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”[3]

Can a husband or wife, by taking pleasure in their spouse’s sensual beauty, commit adultery in their heart? Of course not. A husband or wife cannot commit adultery with their spouse. Clearly, Jesus Christ was denouncing men who view women sexually to whom they are not married. He was not referencing the marriage relationship.

There is no lust between dedicated a husband and a wife. The physical desire that they have for each other is proper and an important part of marriage. It is designed for procreation, love, and bonding. It is designed to create families that last forever. President Spencer W. Kimball helped to clarify the difference between love and lust when he said:

“It is not love if it manipulates; it is selfishness; it is irresponsibility… and the partner becomes exchangeable,”[4]

Real love is based in fidelity and always given as a true gift, without expecting anything in return. On the other hand, lust is part of behavior that is manipulative, selfish, and irresponsible and partners are “exchangeable.” It is never a true gift. With lust, partners are just bodies and not individuals committed to each other. Illicit relationships, like these, lack all the good that True Love represents.

Further, we may know whether something is good or bad by its “fruits” (what it offers). What do lustful, illicit relationships offer? Heartache, loneliness, depression, and broken families. What does taking pleasure in your spouse’s sensual beauty offer? Greater love for each other, fulfillment, joy, and commitment to the marriage. This is the purpose of sensual attraction. Why would a spouse choose to dress vulnerably? To show love to their spouse and bond with them.

[1] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Genesis 3:6,7.

[2] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Genesis 4:1.

[3] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Mathew 5:28 (capitalization modernized).

[4] Spencer W. Kimball, “Love Versus Lust,” Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University Publications, 1975, p. 15.

Women and Men

We can all learn and improve how we love our spouses. The best way is to learn from them directly. But here are some general guidelines you can explore together:

MEN, show your wife love in the ways that mean love to her. Know that women are much more emotional, and their most valuable love currency is typically related to things emotional. Tune into her emotional desires. Listen to her, really listen. Call or send messages to show her you are thinking of her. Talk about her interests. Sincerely compliment her. Tell her things you like about her. Take her out on dates. Remember that love is mostly emotional for her. Be romantic. Be dependable. Care for yourself. Get physically fit and dress attractively, but avoid extremes. Occasionally, let her pick out what you wear. If you have children, give her breaks from the kids. Bring her flowers. Make your intimacy an easy, slow dance. Flirt with her. Laugh together. Respect her. Give true gifts to her. Be emotionally and physically one with her.

WOMEN, show your husband love in the ways that mean love to him. Know that men are much more physical, and their most valuable love currency is typically related to things physical. Tune into his physical desires. The visual and sensual are important to men. Care for yourself. Get physically fit and dress attractively, but avoid extremes. Don’t fret if you don’t have a perfect body; use what you have. Dress as sexy and vulnerable as you are willing in your intimate relationship together. Occasionally, let him pick something for you to wear. Your man will never grow tired of your beauty. To him it is like sunshine. There is no such thing as being attractive too often. Do what you can as often as you can. Wear flattering pajamas. Remember that love is mostly physical for him. Make it so your feminine magnetism is always pulling at him. Try to include adventure in your sexual relations. Flirt with him. Laugh together. Respect him. Give true gifts to him. Be physically and emotionally one with him.

There are many different ways to love someone. Learn what your spouse appreciates the most. Be attentive and open-minded. Learn what means True Love to them.

The Love Dance

Wives generally enjoy their husband’s full attention and being doted over (adored) when together. Husbands generally adore and give attention to their attractive wives. It is a symbiotic relationship and the foundation of the love dance. The following is a summary of that dance within a marriage relationship:

A wife makes herself attractive. The husband sees her beauty and wants her sexually. He pursues her with emotional engagement and gifts. She encourages him by working to attract him even more, while at the same time remaining sexually aloof. This dichotomy creates sexual tension. The sexual tension continues to build until all of it is released together at once. The struggle together and then the pleasure together create unity, love, and bonding.

Dance Tension

Sexual tension is created when the husband wants the wife sexually, but can’t have her yet. It is sexual attraction without fulfillment, a kind of teasing. It takes place while the wife is emotionally engaging with her husband and building her need for sex. It works just like the conflict between sexual yearnings and shame, in that it creates a struggle that results in a reward. Sexual tension builds the climax. The higher the sexual tension, the higher the climax will be.

However, a word of caution. If there is no climax after significant sexual tension in the marriage relationship, negative emotions will result. Instead of unity, love, and bonding, there will be disunity, frustration, and withdrawal. Unfulfilled sexual tension is harmful to the relationship. The love dance needs to be a struggle and then a reward. If it is just a struggle, it will end in disaster.

There are many ways to create sexual tension. For husbands, the clothing worn by their wives can be very effective. Clothing that almost exposes intimate beauty, but still doesn’t, creates tension. It is draw without fulfillment. This is why dressing sensually is often more attractive than wearing no clothing at all. Tight fitting, semi-transparent, and all beautifully designed semi-revealing (but not completely revealing) clothing can create healthy tension in the marriage relationship.

Wearing these types of clothing in an intimate setting typically sends several messages to your spouse including:

I want you.
I want to please you.
I want you to enjoy me.

These positive messages are communicated more strongly when it is difficult for the wearer to dress sensually (when they feel some embarrassment doing so). That “shame” also creates vulnerability, which in turn, if handled properly, will allow more profound bonding.

A faithful spouse only wears revealing clothing for their marriage partner. Intentionally wearing revealing clothing publicly is an affront to True Love because it takes that which is special about the relationship and makes it no longer special. A gift cannot be special if it is common. Exclusivity makes things more valuable.

There are many other ways to create sexual tension. Anything that builds desire and anticipation can create positive tension. Dates, conversations, messages, dancing, flirting, teasing, clues, and many other means can be used. Dancing is particularly useful. In a public setting, it can build desire and anticipation. In a private setting, it can not only build desire and anticipation, but also create added vulnerability which can be used for deeper bonding.

Adventures Make Memories

Generally speaking, men crave adventure and women want to make memories together. Make use of adventure in your sex life to create special, lasting memories that only the two of you share. To do this, you may have to increase your range of vulnerability.

Be open to having private sex adventures outside of the bedroom. Have sex in unique and interesting places. These can be on top of a mountain, on a private beach, in a boat, or anywhere beautiful and private.

Have spontaneous sex in unique settings when an opportunity presents itself. The more interesting the setting, the more special the memory will be that the two of you share. Be vulnerable enough to deepen the bond and liven the memories, but always in complete privacy.

The constant work of life can be repetitive and grueling. Sexual relations are designed to liven the spirit and be an escape from the monotony. Use vibrant sex to awaken joy amidst tedium.

Experiencing the Unavailable

Appropriate dreaming, imagining, role playing, games, theater, radio, reading, television, cinema, or simply communicating with another person can be mental rehearsals in alternate life experiences. These rehearsals allow you to temporarily step into a different experience to gain benefits and understanding not available to you in your real life. God gave us the ability to mentally mirror the experiences of others for our benefit as well as for their benefit. These mental rehearsals or exercises (hereafter “Mental Rehearsals”), can be very beneficial for many reasons.

One potential benefit is a temporary escape from the mental pressures of real life. Mental Rehearsals can serve as a period of diversion and rest. They can also include humor which further relieves internal pressure. Mental Rehearsals are useful tools for coping with the inevitable strains of life.

Another potential benefit of Mental Rehearsals is increasing your personal perspective and understanding. Stepping mentally into alternate life experiences allows you to see your own life, as well as the lives of others, with greater perspective. It facilitates understanding, appreciation, empathy, and compassion.

Mental Rehearsals also open the door to new experiences that are otherwise unavailable to you. Although they are only mental, they can still expand your knowledge and understanding. An infinite universe is available to the finite individual through imagination. Dreaming and imagining are basic prerequisites for developing wisdom because they have the power to create different scenarios or possibilities for an individual, which are not available to them in real life. Without Mental Rehearsals, the only avenue for learning would be actual personal experience.

Value of Mental Rehearsals

Appropriate dreaming, imagining, and role playing (theater) are ACTIVE Mental Rehearsals. Listening to someone else or the radio, reading stories or watching television, movies, and live theatrical performances are all PASSIVE Mental Rehearsals. Both kinds of Rehearsals are opportunities to explore new ideas and scenarios. Active Mental Rehearsals have plots created by your own mind, while Passive Mental Rehearsals have plots created by the minds of others. Both can be beneficial.

The value of a Mental Rehearsal is proportional to its plot’s adherence to things as they really are (truth). Plots on any topic (fiction or nonfiction) can be beneficial. But the more closely a plot mirrors the true (natural) causes and effects of reality, the more you can gain from it. Plots with accurate historical accounts are of particular value because they mirror reality, since they are taken directly from reality.

Some Mental Rehearsals are presentations instead of plots. In this case, the more closely a presentation reflects the truths of reality, and the more beneficial those truths are to you, the more valuable the presentation will be to you. All truth has value, but some truths are much more valuable to you than others. Therefore, Mental Rehearsals have a wide range of value. Seek and engage in the best communications, presentations, dreams, imaginations, reading, games, theater, role plays, television, cinema, and other Mental Rehearsals that are useful and reflect things as they really are.

What is Real and What is Not

Mental Rehearsals are not real; they are in the mind. Neither the good nor the evil in them is actually taking place. We must not be afraid of rehearsing things containing both good and evil acts properly portrayed. That is reality. In fact, that is one of the reasons why Mental Rehearsals are so useful. By them, we can explore scenarios and plots that we would never safely engage in real life. The understanding and wisdom we can glean by doing so would, otherwise, be unavailable to us.

However, it can be dangerous for us to mentally participate in incorrect portrayals of reality, if we embrace them as true. False portrayals are deceptions because they do not reflect things as they really are and/or they misrepresent the natural cause and effects of real life. Care must be taken to avoid exposing minds to deceptive materials before those minds have gained enough wisdom to see and understand the deception. If an unprepared person, such as a child, is exposed to deceptive materials, the deception(s) need to be explained to that person in a way that they understand. This will help to discourage them from mentally accepting the deception(s) as truth.

Learning through Mental Exploration

When we act out a role in a play, we are only accountable for the things we actually do and say and not the imaginary character’s actions in the imaginary plot. But by playing that role, we can experience some of the thoughts and feelings of the imaginary character and learn from the imaginary plot, as if we had literally experienced some of it ourselves. This, of course, can be a benefit to us.

Mental Rehearsals are useful tools for exploring the problematic from a relatively safe position. They provide an experimental zone, a testing realm for us. They allow us to explore scenarios without reaping the real-world consequences. And, benefits can result in proportion to how closely the Mental Rehearsals mirror relevant real-life experience.

We need not fear spending time is this imaginary arena. But, it is wise to discover and engage in the best Mental Rehearsals. Active Mental Rehearsals like dreaming, imagining and role-playing are of particular value, because they are created by our own minds. Children do this naturally, and greatly benefit from it. Adults can do the same and receive similar benefits.

Role Playing

There is great potential for strengthening a marriage relationship by dreaming together, imagining together, role playing together, playing games together, reading together, and watching or listening to programs, performances, presentations, or movies together. All Active and Passive Mental Rehearsals can strengthen the relationship, but the Active Rehearsals are typically more effective. They include dreaming, imagining, and role playing together. The potential benefits of these activities are often underestimated.

By nature, couples may feel vulnerable when they dream, imagine, and role play together. But, properly handling vulnerability can create profound bonding. Sharing one’s dreams, imaginations, and desires requires vulnerability. Sharing one’s innermost personal imaginings requires more vulnerability. Role playing those Imaginings together (with propriety and discretion) is even more challenging and requires more vulnerability. The greater the vulnerability, the more profound the bonding can be, and the more special the shared memories can be.

Bonding with your spouse through role playing requires opening up to each other in significant ways. And this is the pathway to a deeper bond and relationship. To travel this path, each of you will need to embrace vulnerability and share potentially embarrassing imaginings that you have. I recommend you take the risk (be vulnerable) and try it. Naturally it will be difficult; but don’t be afraid to do so. Fantasies (including sexual desires) are normal. Sharing those Imaginings together as a couple can create intimacy and bonding, as long as there is mutual respect.

Take whatever your spouse shares with you VERY SERIOUSLY. Do not judge, laugh at, dismiss any part of, or make light of what they say, IN ANY WAY. Mental creativity is often quirky. That is, in part, why it can be useful. Imaginings can create vulnerability and bonding opportunities when they are quirky and embarrassing. If they were not somewhat embarrassing, they would not require vulnerability to share, and little bonding could take place from this exercise.

It does not matter if what your spouse shares makes any sense to you. Don’t expect it to. Your spouse may share with you an embarrassing, private part of their inner self which, which by nature, requires extreme vulnerability. SO BE EXTREMELY SENSITIVE!

Being vulnerable is a double-edged sword. If you treat lightly what your spouse shares with you, it can cause them pain and they may withdraw from you emotionally. They might trust you less, and be less willing to be vulnerable with you in the future. That would be very destructive to the progress of the relationship and exactly the opposite of the purpose of this exercise. The same goes with all vulnerable acts. If your spouse dresses vulnerably or dances in vulnerable ways, and you laugh at them or treat their attempts to be vulnerable lightly, your spouse can be hurt and withdraw from you emotionally.

BUT, if you fully embrace their attempts to be vulnerable with you, and if you listen carefully and try to understand their Imaginings, with great respect and patience, they will love you for it! If you accept their Imaginings, as quirky as they may be, you will make the bond you share more profound. AND, if you are willing and able to make their Imaginings come true, even partially, you will reach deep into their heart, and they will love you more for your efforts! Your spouse will long remember and appreciate what you did. This is especially true if it was difficult for you to do. The unique special memory that you created together will likely continue to draw your hearts together for years to come. It will be a special and unique memory that only the two of you share and understand. Each time the memory is Mentally Rehearsed, some of the special feelings that accompanied it originally will be relived anew.

One Step at a Time

If you find the idea of role playing Imaginings with your spouse childish or foolish, consider that Imaginings (including sexual creativity) are normal, natural, and useful. Could there be divine purposes in this quirky part of us? Could these things actually be important? Could Imaginings be used over and over again to generate new vulnerability? Could one of the purposes of the strong feelings that Imaginings create within us be to motivate us to leave our “comfort zone” in pursuit of higher tiers of love? Could endlessly changing Imaginings be designed to create bonding opportunities in the marriage forever? Absolutely!

If you find the idea of role playing Imaginings with your spouse terrifying, learn to walk before you run. Be as vulnerable as you can be today in whatever ways you are able. Talk to your spouse about your struggles being vulnerable. That is being vulnerable in and of itself. Just do the best you can.

With practice, sharing deeply together will become easier and easier. If your spouse is respectful, and you work together in love, your bond will become more and more profound. And profound, permanent, unbreakable bonds are True Love’s substance. Go for it!

Chemical Use

A healthy body encourages a healthy mind. The brain is an organ of the body and benefits, along with all of the organs, from general health practices. The brain is also the most influential organ related to sexual relations. The healthier your body, brain, and mind is, the better you are able to give, and receive, True Love in all of its forms.

The body is an extremely complex union of interrelated systems. Its chemical processes are constantly adjusting to serve all of the body’s systems simultaneously in a very sophisticated manner. Many chemicals have a multiplicity of roles and functions. The full scope of these systems and processes exceeds the comprehension of mortal minds. Interfering with the body’s chemistry is risky, can disrupt natural processes, and can even cause long-term, adverse side effects.

Introducing into your body over-the-counter, prescription, or illegal drugs to enhance your mood, sexual performance, or experience is self-defeating. Doing so may bring some short-term benefits, but the long-term results are typically very negative. The people who produce and sell these chemicals often want you to become reliant on them. They want you to continue to buy them.

Your body’s many processes rely on all kinds of carefully regulated, complex, chemical reactions. If you introduce a competing chemical into your system, you will cause a spike of that particular chemical in your blood stream until your body uses or removes it. Your body will respond by lowering its production of like chemicals in an attempt to bring things into balance. This natural response will typically cause you a longer lasting “low” in mood or performance after your quick artificial “high.”

Immunity is another way your body will cope with the imbalances caused by chemical use. And immunity is a much more serious problem than a temporary “low.” As chemical spikes continue, your body will develop more and more immunity (also called “tolerance”) to those chemicals, including autoimmunity to the healthy, internally produced versions within you. Your internally produced versions are needed for proper bodily functions and for your happiness. Remember, emotions are chemical.

The more a person uses chemicals to function, the more difficult functioning without those chemicals becomes. Immunity may cause irreversible damage to your body and future. You will likely lose, permanently, some of your natural capacity in the very areas you are trying to enhance.

If you regularly use any type of chemical drug, the only way to keep your natural capacities related to it, and to have your body rebuild what it can, is to STOP USING IT.* You will need to remain in a “low” zone for as long as it takes for your body to correct things and rebuild. Doing so may be excruciatingly difficult. But it is vital for your long-term happiness.

*If you are forced to use a drug because of a medical condition, consult with other qualified practitioners to be sure that is true. Doctors are human. And, there are also many financial forces at play in the medical field.

Comfort Is Not the Goal

The opposite approach of chemically suppressing sexual or other natural feelings (in contrast to enhancing them) is also destructive and self defeating. For example, if for some reason you have high anxiety, the source of that anxiety needs to be addressed directly. Your anxiety is just a symptom of its cause.

If you introduce a chemical into your body, such as alcohol, to “loosen up” sexually, you are trying to escape your natural feelings, which are designed for your benefit. Doing so is working against yourself. Discomfort is a necessary part of personal progress.

Discomfort is also a part of vulnerability. Personal comfort cannot be a major consideration for those who are really seeking True Love and great joy. Leaving your “comfort zone” is required to make significant personal progress in any field of endeavor. It is through stress, discomfort, and work that we improve ourselves and achieve.

To become a successful athlete, you need to strengthen your muscles and cardiovascular system. To accomplish this, you need to stress your muscles, heart, and lungs. You stress your muscles by performing difficult, uncomfortable tasks repeatedly. You stress your heart and lungs by working them uncomfortably, over and over again. These actions are necessary for improvement.

The same is true for your physical, emotional, mental, social, and spiritual capacities. You need to push and stress them to strengthen them. Of course, there is a limit to how much you can do and how quickly you can progress. But, let us be wise enough and brave enough to accept that which is difficult and uncomfortable. The trail to higher realms of living is steep and requires effort.

Natural Design is God’s Design

Interfering with your body and mind’s natural processes is interfering with your body and mind’s purposes. You were carefully crafted by God to be able to achieve True Love and the highest possible joy in an enduring way. Do you think that you or any other mortal knows how to do this better than God?

Although we live in a fallen, broken, deteriorating world (which is part of God’s perfect plan), the natural, intrinsic design of the human body is perfect. We were literally created in the image of God. We are His children. Embrace God’s designs and work with them.

The paths to the most fulfillment and love are natural ways. Problems arise with the mind and the body when changes take it further away from its perfect design. Pay attention to the way things are in nature. The ways of nature reflect God’s ways. If you work with nature instead of against it, you will achieve the most success, fulfillment, and joy.

There are many general health practices that will aid the natural processes and functions of your body. Embracing these practices will improve your mental and physical health as well as your sexual potential. Eat healthy, natural foods. Drink enough water. Live an active lifestyle. Sleep properly. Get sufficient, direct sunlight. All of these things will help you feel better, live longer, and love more.

Mind Conditioning Pitfalls

We are all creatures of habit. It is easy for us to entrench ourselves in routines that are later difficult to escape. It is not uncommon for us to develop cognitive behaviors (mental habits) surrounding sexual relations. Some of those habits may interfere with normal, healthy sexual intimacy.

One such example is when we repeatedly expect certain things in the intimate relationship we have with our spouse. However, there are no set rules on how things “should” be each time. The relationship is healthiest when both partners are free from any pressure to perform or do anything. Time together needs to remain playful and unpredictable. Sometimes it will be one way and sometimes another. There is not one right way to be intimate. Sometimes there will be much sexual satisfaction and sometimes there won’t be. That is okay. It is important to make it safe in the relationship for any result. Intimate time needs to be play time, not a performance. This is important because if one or both persons feel like they have to do something, that pressure will undermine the good being accomplished.

Having sexual hopes and not sexual expectations is good. But sexual relations, improperly handled, can result in sexual frustration. Sexual intimacy is progressive and builds sexual tension. If much tension is built but not released, the result will be significant frustration. Therefore, how can a couple engage in sexual activity without feeling pressured to “properly” release the sexual tension? What if one spouse is willing to engage sexually, but unwilling or unable to finish the act? Maybe they are too tired or not feeling well. Maybe their sexual capacities are limited because of physical or emotional issues. Would it be better for a couple to not engage in any sexual activity if they can’t release the sexual tension they create?

The answer is that any sexual engagement for couples is better than no engagement. Do what you can, when you can. Any positive engagement will build the relationship. How does a couple avoid sexual frustration when they cannot finish the act? A spouse can help the other find tension relief through manual means. This is an important solution. It must, however, be accomplished by the other spouse to be a giving and receiving act of love. Sexually pleasuring oneself is selfish, counterproductive, and runs contrary to True Love. You must surrender to your spouse total control of your sexual satisfaction in order to create the emotional framework necessary to draw and hold your heart to them forever. This framework is critical for creating permanent True Love.

The other side of this is that each person needs to be sufficiently generous sexually to care for their spouse. When your sexual capacity is insufficient to care for your spouse, then personally provide what sexual tension and tension relief you can for them. This action has benefits for both parties. When manual tension relief is acceptable in the relationship, sexual performance pressures are largely eliminated. Thereafter, the spouse with less sexual capacity will be much more likely to engage in sexual activities because they know there are no performance requirements. This will encourage the frequency of sexual intimacy, as well helping it to be positive and pressure-free. Pressure stifles sexual desire and intimacy.

Love Training

There are situations when personal pressure from oneself is appropriate in the intimate marriage relationship. It is when one spouse sincerely wants to learn how to love the other. Doing so may require stretching and personal discomfort. But it is very beneficial to the relationship. Such is Love Training.

Do you want more love in your marriage? Do you want to strengthen your bond together? Do you know what “love” means to your spouse and what they appreciate most? There are many ways to communicate this to each other. Here is one way to do it:

Choose together a convenient date time, each week or so, for “Love Training.” Schedule these dates, so that they repeat regularly and are, preferably, without a set ending time. During the dates, assign one spouse to be the Giver and the other spouse the Receiver. Reverse roles on alternating dates. During these dates, have the Receiver teach the Giver how to love them.

The Receiver does this by designing a date with activities that mean love to the Receiver. The Receiver prepares everything for the date, and takes the leading role during it. Once the date commences, the Receiver controls how the time is spent. Throughout the date, the Receiver gently teaches and guides the Giver how to love them. The Giver, in addition, practices loving the Receiver in their way.

Throughout the date, both the Receiver and the Giver try their best to be kind to each other, humble, grateful, and especially vulnerable. Here is an example of Love Training:

Marc and Emma decided to do Love Training on every other Thursday evening. They made arrangements so the kids were elsewhere and they could have the time to themselves. The first time Emma was the Receiver and Marc the Giver. Emma thought a lot about what really meant love to her.

Marc made himself available at the appointed time. Emma started with “I wish you would…” She stopped and remembered she needed to drop the expectations she had for Marc and not try to control him. She started over, “I’m sorry. It would mean a lot to me if you would respond to my texts sooner. Would you be willing to do that?”

“What?!”Marc thought. He was annoyed. “Is this how it is going to go tonight?” he silently fumed. She had complained to him about this before. He thought, “I can’t just drop everything every time she sends me a text.” He then remembered he needed to be open-minded, respectful and vulnerable. He recomposed himself and said, “How soon do you mean?”

She replied, “As soon as you can.”

Marc paused and thought, “I’m not that bad at replying to her texts. Why would she choose to talk about that tonight?… Well… obviously it is a big deal to her.” Marc decided to try to value what she was saying. He did want to show her love. He asked, “Would you like to practice doing that right now?”

Emma responded, “Yes, please.”

They then sent a few funny texts back and forth. Marc did not understand why it was such a big deal to her, but he tried in the future to respond to her texts more quickly. He decided he didn’t have to know why, only that it meant love to Emma.

Next Emma asked, “Would you be willing to listen to a podcast with me?”

“What is it about?” He asked.

Emma hesitated, “…it’s on relationships.”

Marc tensed-up and asked, “How long is it?”

She replied, “Pretty long.”

Marc knew this was going to be agony. He heard himself agree to it. Emma knew how Marc felt about doing that; it meant a lot to her that he was willing.

After the podcast, Emma pulled a special light bulb out of her purse. She asked, “Would you be willing to fix the light in the oven?” Emma loved to bake and missed the light.

Marc said, “I’ll try…”

He figured out how to get the odd light cover off and replaced the oven bulb. Emma gave him a squeeze and said, “Thank you, I appreciate that!” She then said, “I’ve got something else to ask of you…” Marc wondered what was next. She continued, “Would you massage my feet and watch a movie with me?”

Marc smiled, “I can do that.”

Emma got the movie started she had chosen and they lounged together on the couch. The rest of their evening was a continued expression of love, vulnerability, and unique and special memories.

The next time Emma was the Giver and Marc was the Receiver. He started by saying to Emma, “It would be an honour if you would accompany me to the show tonight, my lady.”

Emma was surprised but smiled and replied with an accent, “It would be a pleasure.”

Marc had secretly arranged to attend a show that evening. He then asked, “Would you be kind enough to extend our Love Training tonight to include after the show?”

Emma knew what Marc was up to. She smiled and said, “Sure.”

Then Marc said in an English accent, “Uh…um…I was at the market… and there was a lovely bikini on the clearance rack…” His words trailed off. “…would you be so kind as to wear it for me?” Marc opened a bag and pulled out a bright ridiculous bikini. It was laughable and too small.

Emma felt uncomfortable. She did not want to wear that. She hesitated, and then thought, “Well… I guess I could do that for him. I know I need to try to be vulnerable.” She replied, “Yes, I will wear it for you tonight.”

Marc looked very pleased but then also hesitated, “Would… would you be willing to wear it under your clothes during the show?” “What?!” Emma blurted. Marc looked ashamed.

She was not willing, but didn’t know what to say. She hesitated more. “Why is he asking me to do that?”she wondered.

Then, she realized how vulnerable Marc was being by asking her to do that. Her abrupt response seemed to have injured something inside him. He looked disappointed and kind of nervous. She remembered that being vulnerable was the goal, and she knew that no one else would know if she wore the bikini. She decided to do it for Marc. “But of course!” She quipped.

Marc looked up surprised. He said, “Thank you… That means a lot to me.” He handed her the bikini, and they both got ready.

No one else ever knew Emma was wearing a bright ridiculous bikini under her conservative clothing that night, but Marc did. And he loved her for it. He knew it was uncomfortable for her to do that, and he appreciated it. At one point during the show, Marc put his arm around her and could feel the bikini underneath. His sexual tension was palpable, and he gave her a loving squeeze. The rest of their evening was a continued expression of love, vulnerability, and unique and special memories.

Love Training, done right, is very positive and bonding. You can always decline a request by your spouse to do something if it’s too difficult for you. But try to be as vulnerable as you can to allow for more profound bonding and unique memories. Stretch yourself and your relationship.

Pay close attention to what your spouse chooses to do together when you are the Giver. Learn what is important to them and how to love them better. Don’t judge them, just love them in their ways. Try to put your new knowledge into practice to better love your spouse in the future.

After you teach your spouse how to love you better, don’t expect them to do it. They may or they may not. Hope that they learn to love you better and do it, but don’t expect it. You are not entitled to them doing anything for you.

Whether or not they implement what you teach, do not withhold your full love from them. If you withhold it until they do what you want, you are not loving them. You are trying to control and manipulate them. Such “love” is not real love, but an exchange of services. You will never achieve True Love with an insincere heart. It is not possible. It is important for you to practice loving them without expecting anything in return. This is a foundation of True Love.

“I’m an exception”

What if I don’t find my spouse attractive?

Attraction is a choice and a habit. It is a cognitive behavior. What do you choose to focus on when you think about your spouse? Have you developed a habit of focusing on the negative things? If so, it is time to do the opposite.

Every person has admirable qualities. Make a list of your spouse’s admirable qualities. Thank Heavenly Father in prayer every day for one or more of those qualities by name. Ask Heavenly Father to help you see your spouse the way He sees them. Soon, you will see your spouse differently. Your attraction for them will grow, if you feed it.

What if I am too busy?

Everyone has the same amount of time each day. How are you spending your time? Are you spending significant time chasing materialism? Are you spending significant time on things that are less important? Are the things you are spending your time on going to bring you what you really want? Think about it.

What if we don’t have much “alone time” because of our kids?

This needs to be corrected immediately. A healthy marriage requires regular “alone time.” If you’re having trouble making it happen, try trading the care of children with another couple.

Another solution might be to implement “personal time” ahead of “bed time.” This means that family activities would end at a certain time and the children would retire to their bedroom for the night. There, they have time for personal study or other quiet activities until they fall asleep. “Personal time” could be part of the family’s regular schedule.

Another solution might be to have your children stay at the house of an extended family member on a semi-regular basis. Could they stay with their grandparents every other week, or an aunt and uncle? There are many possible solutions, but be sure you have regular time alone together. It is vitally important for your marriage.

What if my spouse does not think I am attractive?

Did they tell you that you are not attractive, or did you decide that on your own? It is likely that you are sabotaging yourself with self expectations. You may think that you “should” be a certain way to be attractive to your spouse, and that you don’t meet your expectation.

If this is so, it is you who thinks you are not attractive, not necessarily your spouse. Accept yourself the way you are now, and start being more vulnerable with your spouse today. There are lots of ways to be physically and emotionally attractive. Make yourself attractive in whatever ways you can.

What if I’m not married?

Your greatest possible joy and fulfillment can only be achieved through the proper use of sex. Proper sexual relations mean full expression within the marriage commitment, and no expression without. Be patient. If you control your thoughts and actions, you will qualify to marry someone who has done the same.

Then, both of you will value each other so much more, and your union will be so much more glorious and special. You will embark on that new, special sexual journey for the first time together. What profound bonding that will create between you! You will have done what is right, and will be well on your way to achieving True Love together.

What if I don’t want to get married?

That is your choice. Perhaps you have been exposed to tragic marriage examples in your life. Maybe those experiences are overshadowing your understanding of God’s plan of Joy. In His plan,

“…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.”[1]

You are not complete without a marriage partner. In a proper union, you can complement each other in a multitude of ways. In essence, you are two parts of one being. You need each other to achieve your “individual” greatest joy and fulfillment.

What if I am not married but still having sex?

Stop your destructive behavior. You are hurting yourself and your partner(s). Heartache will follow all who are involved. You are making it much more difficult for you and them to achieve True Love in the future. Remember, the heart is the center of both integrity and love, and its capacity to love parallels its integrity. The higher tier of True Love is only possible through commitment and fidelity. The “marriage” commitment is a basic prerequisite for True Love. Start living today in ways that will help you and your partner(s) achieve the most joy and fulfillment.

Isn’t marriage just a piece a paper?

No, it is not. Marriage is a commitment. It is a commitment to your partner. And that commitment is a basic prerequisite for True Love.

Marriage is also a commitment to God. This is true, regardless of whether God is mentioned in the ceremony. Marriage is no small matter because, if it takes place according to God’s law, then it is recognized by God. And that makes all the difference! God has forbidden all sexual relations outside of marriage. Toying with sex and marriage is toying with God.

What if I am not heterosexual?

Your greatest possible joy and fulfillment can only be achieved in a permanent marriage relationship with someone opposite of your birth gender (your DNA). Your DNA reflects the gender of your spirit, which is either male or female and cannot change.

What if I am not attracted to the opposite sex?

Attraction is a choice and a habit. It is a cognitive behavior. Although it may be difficult and slow, work to program your mind to match your spirit. Become as healthy as you can. Eat wholesome, natural foods. Live an active lifestyle. Sleep properly. Drink plenty of water. Get sufficient direct sunlight. Avoid using unnatural chemical substances.

Practice the gender attributes and roles associated with your spirit. You will get better at it with practice. Pray for help to have the natural feelings of your gender, the person God designed you to be.

When you feel like you can have a relationship with the opposite sex, seek for it and marriage. Prior to marriage, be open and honest with your companion about your struggles. It is okay if everything is not working perfectly. We all have different issues in our lives that we have to learn to manage.

[1] The Holy Bible, King James Version, 1 Corinthians 11:11.

Fix What’s Broken

Imagine this story is happening to you:

You are driving your car too fast down the highway in the passing lane. You see a police car in your rear view mirror, with its lights flashing, catching up to you. You become very anxious and feel sick. The police car bears down on you. The officer says from a loud speaker, “Pull over!” You panic and desperately look for a spot to get over but can’t find one. The officer impatiently blares again, “Pull over!” Your heart is pounding and you feel nauseous. You finally see an opening and quickly pull over. As soon as you do so, the police car speeds past you and drives on. The officer is not after you, but is going somewhere else.

In this example, the cause of the anxiety, desperation, panic, and nausea were only thoughts. The threat was imagined. We often experience worry, anxiety, and fear because we think things are true that are not true. If we can learn to step back and look at the events of our lives with greater perspective, we will handle them much better. Greater perspective comes from looking at things from wider angles. Seek to challenge your paradigms. Reach higher and wider. Don’t be afraid to really live within the bounds of truth!

As you can see from the story, our thoughts produce our emotions. Suppose you had a very painful experience in the past that still haunts you. You have a choice. You obviously can’t change the past, but you can change now. The choice you have is how you will think about that painful experience now.

You may have already decided that the experience “should” never have happened. If so, your opinion is based on an entitlement mentality of what you think the past “should” have been. Do you really believe that you or anybody else is entitled to a pain-free life? Would that even be a good thing? Did that experience make you wiser or stronger? Did that experience give you greater perspective?

Because you have experienced bitter things, do your recognize that the good things in your life are now sweeter? Did that difficult experience increase any of your capacities? Did it give you understanding and “knowledge of good and evil?” Did that experience, in reality, actually improve you? Think about it.

Broken Marriage Relationships

Wives, you naturally have a strategic advantage for helping to fix dysfunctional marriages. Your bonding method is chiefly emotional, and your husband’s bonding method is chiefly sexual. Because your husband’s bonding method is not as emotional, he can still have meaningful sexual intimacy with you without first sharing a strong emotional connection. His emotional connection to you is, significantly, the result of your physical intimacy.

The phrase “making love” was likely coined by a man because that is the way it works for him. For him, sexual intimacy makes love that wasn’t there before. You, on the other hand, may not desire sexual intimacy when your marriage is struggling because you feel a lack of emotional bonding. Yet, if you choose to still have sexual intimacy with him, it may help him become more emotionally committed to you. And that can, in turn, renew your mutual bond. Because of the individual natures of men and women, wives typically have greater control over the marriage relationship and its outcome. Remember, the love dance starts with female attraction and male sexual yearnings.

Another method to help revive a marriage relationship is to make your spouse a peace offering. To do so effectively, you must be humble, vulnerable, and ready to forgive the past. A peace offering is an appeal for a new beginning accompanied by a true gift to your spouse. The gift can be in many forms. This gesture can sometimes soften the heart of the Receiver and rekindle love.

Loving Those Who Hate You

Jesus Christ taught:

“…behold I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father who is in heaven;”[1]

Love your spouse even if they treat you like an enemy. Love them even if they betray you, abuse you, divorce you, take your property, and continue to try to hurt you.

If you suffer from these actions, or others, you don’t have to become bitter and angry. You can choose how you will respond to the circumstances of your life that you cannot control. Each person has the freedom to make their own decisions, including you. You can choose to be kind and loving to people who abuse you, while at the same time maintaining a safe distance from them.

If your spouse divorces you, move on. You are not responsible for their actions. Find someone else with whom you can create True Love. When you do, marry them and try again. Strive to give your new spouse True Love, and hope to receive it in return. Never stop loving! Never stop giving true gifts, regardless of what others choose to do! Always, “be the children of your Father who is in heaven” by loving everyone.

In your quest to love everyone, don’t forget to love yourself. Jesus commanded:“Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”[2] This commandment places others on the same plane as ourselves. It makes them and us equal in importance. Therefore, the commandment also means: Thou shalt love thyself as thy neighbour.

You cannot give more than you have the capacity to give. It is important to love and care for yourself so that you can love and care for others. They go together. If you leave yourself out, you are not keeping the commandment: “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” Use the strength you gain for self-care to also strengthen others.

[1] The Book of Mormon; Another Testament of Jesus Christ, 3 Nephi 12:44-45.

[2] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Mathew 22:39; underlining added.

Get to the Heart

To love your spouse more effectively, prioritize your efforts to emphasize the things they value most. You will need to discover what those things are.

A good way to help uncover what your spouse values most, is to use the question: “Would you rather…?” In essence, you are asking what form of love they would rather have. An example of what you could say is: “Would you rather I finish the dishes or help with the kids?”

Fake Love

Pornography snares mostly men because it is visual.

“But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”[1]

Pornography involves “exchangeable” partners which is, by definition, a lustful activity. The man who engages in his mind sexually with a woman other than his wife destroys his integrity. And, without full integrity, he will never be able to achieve True Love. These same principles apply to women. Pornography is a deception. It destroys the possibility of True Love. Gratification through pornography trades real love for emptiness.

Why do husbands view pornography? They are, likely, trying to improperly fulfill their sexual yearnings, often becoming addicted to the sensual portrayals. Men’s visual stimulation response is intended to create stable marriages and families. In a healthy marriage, a husband is “addicted” to his wife by the same means that he can become addicted to pornography. His “wife addiction” is a principle force that helps hold the marriage together.

What can a wife do if her husband is indulging in pornography? She can’t force him to quit; he has to decide to quit himself. If your husband has this problem, don’t try to control him with guilt, pressure, threats, or any other negative motivations. You’ll probably drive him away from you. If you draw a hard line, and force him to decide between you and the pornography, be aware. He may choose the source from which he is getting the most sexual fulfillment.

Try to win him with love instead of force or guilt. You may think he is comparing you with the female images he is looking at. He most likely is not. This is a common misconception that women have about men, because women often compare. A man is different in that he doesn’t want to compare or decide between the women in the images and you. He wants them and you. But he cannot have both. He is going to have to make a decision at some point. To experience real love, he will need to choose to have integrity and, therefore, be loyal to you, his wife. If he chooses pornography, he will never have real love or True Love.

[1] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Mathew 5:28 (capitalization modernized).

Body and Mind

Men and women’s minds work differently. Women typically have a higher capacity to store and retrieve, in detail, past events. Their minds move in the past, present, and future more readily. Men’s minds are much more linear. They remember the past and consider the future, but live mostly in the present.

Past events generally don’t affect a man’s present to the degree that they do for a woman. Husbands don’t usually relive the past as much as their wives. Sexual things that men are currently seeing or experiencing capture their full attention, but, thereafter, fade from their memory.

A husband bonds with his wife largely with his body physically/sexually. He is a physical being. Physical/sexual bonding cannot be stored because it takes place in the body. Only the mental/emotional bond created in his mind, because of the physical/sexual bonding, is stored.

Conversely, a wife bonds with her husband mostly mentally/emotionally. She is an emotional being. Mental/emotional bonding can be stored because it takes place in the mind.

These two different natures encourage different life focuses. Men’s physical/sexual nature focuses their life on the temporary physical. Women’s mental/emotional nature focuses their life on the enduring mental/emotional.

These differences help explain why, during sex, men are often consumed with the physical, sensual now, while women are thinking more about the whole relationship. This is also why men typically crave adventure now, and women typically crave making memories for all time. It is also why a fling is generally more devastating for a woman than for a man. Women sometimes have a hard time letting go of things from the past, whereas men move on more quickly. An example of this is when occasionally see a husband is telling a compelling story and his wife corrects him mid-sentence about some small detail he got wrong. He values the story telling moment, while she values the past facts.

While it is true that men are typically by nature more physical than women, and that women are typically more emotional, there are exceptions. Therefore, it is good to be open-minded as to what either sex may consider as important in sharing “love.”

Gender Roles

Gender is an integral component of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose. God designed men and women to serve different complementary purposes. Although they can do many of the same things, they are designed for specific roles, and can typically do those roles particularly well.

Men are designed to protect and provide the necessities of life for their families. Their natural skills are typically suited for this role. However, too many men have been deceived into believing that leaving their wife and children provides freedom, and that staying loyal to a family that loves them results in captivity. This is simply not true. A man’s greatest potential for freedom, fulfillment, and joy is gained by fulfilling his family roles.

Women are designed to raise a family. Their natural skills are typically suited for this role. Too many women have been deceived into believing that working eight hours a day for a “stranger,” while leaving their children in a school or daycare, is freedom, and that staying home to raise a family that loves them is captivity. This is simply not true. A woman’s greatest potential for freedom, fulfillment, and joy is gained by fulfilling her family roles.

In these God-given gender roles, husbands and wives need to help each other. Although men preside over their family, husbands and wives are equal partners in a joint enterprise. Each role has specific, equally important, responsibilities and a shared mission.

If husbands and wives strive to fulfill their roles well, they will be able to achieve their greatest possible personal joy and fulfillment. They can achieve so much more together than they can apart. The two sexes are made for each other, and create synergy.

Emotional and Sexual

True Love is mostly emotional. Women generally have a higher capacity for emotional love, so their efforts largely control the attainment of True Love by the couple. Men will typically not be able to reach the level of emotional bonding required for True Love without sexual relations. This is why physical relations are so important.

Emotional and sexual bonds hold marriages together. Both were created by God, and both are completely legitimate. This is true regardless of the popular views of our culture. Sexual desires are often considered to be impure, while emotional desires are considered to be pure. Why is wanting sex considered to be selfish, while wanting emotional bonding is considered to be caring? Why are men often pressured to be more like women?

The way that God intended the marriage relationship to function has been corrupted. Satan is behind this corruption and promotes it in an effort to disrupt Heavenly Father’s plan of joy for us. Satan causes us to suffer by convincing us that evil things are good and good things are evil.

We have been largely convinced, as a society, that sexual desires, which are connected to men’s principle love language, are bad or selfish. This deception harms marriages. Reducing the quality or quantity of sexual relations reduces the quality or quantity of emotional connections. Sexual and emotional relations are two sides of the same marriage “token” and complement each other. Superior physical relations typically equate to superior emotional bonding. BUT superior emotional bonding does not always equate to superior physical relations, and this is where a relationship typically breaks down.

Many couples have been convinced to self-impose unnecessary limitations on their lawful sexual relations. Some believe it is improper for a husband and wife to dress sensually, to have sex adventures, or to role play healthy Imaginings together. These activities are not only good, but are important tools for reaching higher tiers of love. They utilize greater vulnerability to achieve more profound bonding. You can’t reach the higher forms of love, like True Love, with lackluster efforts.

We are doubly deceived if we embrace the idea that it is lustful (bad) for us to fully enjoy our spouse’s body. This belief is damaging because it minimizes our ability to bond with our spouse, can drive a wedge in our marriage relationship, and fuels the pornography epidemic, all of which destabilize the family. This notion also contradicts the purpose and value of a woman’s feminine power of attraction.

These false ideas have caused untold pain and suffering. Wives and husbands, who yearn for truer and more profound love, often do not attain it. Rarely is the system God built for attaining True Love fully and properly used. Countless hearts, yearning for more love, have left their spouses for someone else that they think will give them what they want. Many others leave because of issues with entitlement and unmet expectations.

Too many lonely people wander from person to “exchangeable” person seeking, but never finding, the love and fulfillment they are looking for. They do not understand that what they seek can only be achieved in a committed marriage relationship based on freedom, hope, and continuing true gifts. This is the ONLY way True Love can be achieved.

True Love Forever

TRUE LOVE IS DESIGNED TO LAST FOREVER. All of the principle elements of True Love are designed to function, endure, and renew eternally. God made it this way for the eternal enjoyment of all His children who qualify for True Love and Eternal Life with Him. Let’s briefly examine some of the elements including: life, youth, sociality, adventure, memories, food, drink, and sexual relations:

Life and Youth

God first gave you life as a spirit in Heaven, and later united your spirit with a “physical” body here on earth. But because of the mortal state of this earth, your body will die. Heavenly Father sent His eldest son Jesus Christ to perform an atonement, which includes an unconditional resurrection. After death, you will be resurrected and live forever in the prime of your youth. Life and youth are INFINITE. Those who partner with Jesus Christ, receive the proper ordinances, and are faithful, will live with Him in His Celestial Kingdom and there enjoy all of the benefits of life and youth. Married couples, who fulfill the necessary requirements, will live together in True Love forever, or in other words, INFINITELY.

Sociality

All of God’s family who will live with Him in His Kingdom, including all of those with eternal marriages, will enjoy each other’s company as they communicate together about the INFINITE past and INFINITE future. There will be an INFINITE variety of things to discuss, and sociality will continue INFINITELY.

Adventure

Eternally married couples will enjoy each other’s company as they explore and experience the INFINITE universe INFINITELY together. Every experience improves when you share it with someone else. And such experiences are even better when you share them with your True Love. You both will never grow tired of exploring the universe together because: first, you won’t get tired. And second, the universe has INFINITE variety.

Memories

Eternally married couples will also enjoy making new memories together INFINITELY. This is because the universe has INFINITE variety and there are an INFINITE number of activities you can do together. Each special memory you make with your True Love will endure forever in your eternal minds. You will never forget any memory because eternal minds have INFINITE memory capacities. They are INFINITE, both in the volume of memories they can store and in the duration they can store them. True Love’s heritage in God’s Kingdom will be an INFINITE stream and collection of special memories together.

Food and Drink

The resurrected Jesus Christ appeared to his apostles after his death and showed them that resurrected beings can eat. In Luke’s account the resurrected Jesus asked His apostles, “Have ye here any meat?” The account continues:

“And they gave [Jesus] a piece of a broiled fish, and of an honeycomb. And he took it, and did eat before them.”[1]

Jesus also spoke of his apostles eating and drinking at His table in Heaven:

“That ye may eat and drink at my table in my kingdom, and sit on thrones judging the twelve tribes of Israel.”[2]

Eating and drinking is an enjoyable pastime in the celestial worlds, even as it is in this world. What group activity is comparable to sharing an exquisite meal together? In the Celestial Kingdom of God, there is an INFINITE variety of exquisite foods and drink to enjoy together with your loved ones. This you will do INFINITELY.

Sexual Relations

Eternal marriages will enjoy sexual relations INFINITELY. Sexual relations can remain INFINITELY interesting because of the way sex is designed. This special eternal marriage relationship encompasses several layers of INFINITE variety. Here are some of the layers:

There are INFINITE ways to engage sexually. That is, there are an INFINITE variety of activities, related activities, activity combinations, scenarios, order of things, time frames, and so forth.

There are INFINITE ways to create sexual tension. Sexual tension can stem from an INFINITE variety of sources that include all of the senses and every form of communication.

There are INFINITE forms of alluring clothing. It is with purpose that we often prefer our spouse in alluring clothing, rather than wearing no clothing at all. The variety of potential attire has INFINITE possibilities.

There are INFINITE possible settings and locations for sexual relations. Such setting and locations can have a major impact on a couple’s experience.

There are INFINITE Imaginings and role playing possibilities. If we allow ourselves, our minds can continually generate new Imaginings and role play scenarios INFINITELY.

We have INFINITE sexual desire. In youthful health, our desire may be satisfied for a time, but it always returns. This is also by design. We will be able to continue to desire and enjoy sex INFINITELY.

[1] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Luke 24:41-43.

[2] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Luke 22:30.

Give Love and Hope for Love!

Start to build True Love with your spouse today. Seek to make your union span eternity. Find out what means love to your spouse and do it for them! Do it again and again! Find out what else means love to them and do that too! Be kind, humble, and forgiving. Be the way you want your spouse to be. Use sexual relations to create True Love forever! Give your spouse True Love and hope to receive it in return.

What are you going to do today to advance on the path of True Love?