True Joy in Marriage and Life

By Ryan Steed Parks

Freedom and Equality

Individual freedom and equality are universal principles that can be applied to every group endeavor. Nations and systems that embrace these principles are more likely to prosper, because they maximize the potential of each person that is part of that nation or system. The positive results that follow freedom and equality can be easily seen throughout the world. Why, then, do we often fail to use these proven principles in our marriages? Why do we frequently implement “communistic” principles in our marriages and families while at the same time expecting a high level of success?

You may be thinking that you don’t do such things, but many couples do. Does your spouse try to tell you how to do things (i.e. try to control you)? Do you do the same to them? Does one spouse control money? Does one spouse have to ask permission of the other to do something? Does your spouse spend money in ways that you don’t approve? Do you do the same? You might be thinking that this is just the nature of being married. But it does not need not to be.

There are much better ways for our marriages to function. These better ways can not only help marriages thrive and unleash greater family prosperity, but can also dramatically increase love and unity. It is time to move our marriage and family management to a higher level. At this point, you might be thinking that this is only for couples. Not so! Even though much of the material herein is geared toward marriages, it provides many important principles which, if followed, can help everyone achieve greater true joy!

Expectations

It is good to have wants and hopes. They generally yield positive results. You may think, “I want a loving spouse, many friends, a nice house, a car,” etc. Such positive wants and hopes can help drive us to action.

However, when we choose to expect our wants, we move into the realm of entitlement. This is when we decide that we have some kind of right to our wants, that we are entitled to them. Expectations are a manifestation of an entitlement mentality.

We have expectations when we decide in our mind what “should” or “shouldn’t” be. “Should?…” Why “should” it be?… Why “shouldn’t” it be?…  Who are we to decide what “should” and “should not” be?

“Should” is a very problematic word, and using it often reflects arrogance. What we believe “should” be is our own opinion. It is a declaration that we think we know what is best in a given situation. Maybe we are right, but we can’t be sure. It is good to be open to the possibility that we are not right. And with our limited understanding of the universe, we are often not right.

It is a common practice to create mental images of how we think everything around us “should” be. And this is typically what we expect will be. We decide how our day “should” go, how our project “should” go, how our home “should” be, how our spouse “should” be, how our children “should” be, and so on. We expect people to do what we think they “should” do. When we think this way, we believe that we are entitled to having our life, and the people in it, comply with our mental expectations. How arrogant is that?!

It gets worse. In real life, it is rare for things to go exactly the way we expect them to go. As a result, our expectations often cause us disappointment, hurt, or even anger. Perhaps, our day did not go the way we expected it would go, or our spouse or child did not do what we believed they “should” do.

When things do not go the way we think they “should,” we often suffer. We might even be tempted to lash out at others because we are upset. If we do, we are implying that we know better than others concerning what is best. Think about it.

Expectation Sabotage

It is common to choose (it is a choice) our expectations, based on the culture in which we live. People of different backgrounds and cultures typically formulate different expectations. We might choose to believe that we are entitled to what we perceive as being “normal” in our culture. In this case, we might believe we are entitled to have and do what we think others have and do.

We may even expect to have and do more than what we think is “normal,” because we arrogantly believe we are superior to others. There are, virtually, no limits to the entitlements that we may choose, based on our perceived self-importance. Remember, entitlement is a mental choice.

Many times we choose to participate in cultural traditions. Perhaps, in your culture, elaborate weddings are common. Perhaps, you choose to believe that you and your future spouse are entitled to such a wedding. There is nothing wrong with an elaborate wedding, in and of itself. Problems arise when there are unhealthy motivations for it, and an over-expenditure of resources (including time) to achieve it.

Are you trying to impress people? Do you believe the wedding is somehow a reflection of your self-worth? Do you believe you are entitled to a “fairytale” wedding? Are you delaying getting married in order to gather more resources to spend on your wedding? These motivations may reflect self-defeating beliefs.

Trying to impress others can destroy your confidence. Your self-worth has nothing to do with your material circumstances. And, you are not really entitled to anything. Your personal fulfillment and happiness is not related to your wedding budget. It is unwise to unnecessarily delay getting married when you have found your companion. There is danger in it. Do no delay by succumbing to an entitlement mentality. It does not reflect reality (the truth). We need to accept things as they are, hope and strive for the best in all things, and avoid choosing to believe we are entitled to anything. Doing so takes humility and patience.

Effects of Expectations

Choosing to have or not to have expectations has a major impact on our happiness and relationships. Notice the different outcomes in the following four scenarios:

Scenario 1:

Bill is a businessman who closed a specific large transaction. He did not expect to close the deal. He was very pleased with himself and the other party.

Scenario 2:

Bill is a businessman who did not close a specific large transaction. He did not expect to close the deal. He continues to look for new deals.

Scenario 3:

Paul is a businessman who closed a specific large transaction. He expected to close the deal and moved on.

Scenario 4:

Paul is a businessman who did not close a specific large transaction. He thought the deal “should” have closed and expected it. He was upset and threatened to sue.

As you can see, unfulfilled expectations can invoke personal suffering and damage relationships. The same event that causes someone without expectations to feel content can cause someone with expectations to be upset. Either way, the people associated with the event are also impacted, in a positive or negative way.

Expressing Expectations

Expressing our expectations can increase the harm caused by them. When we choose to express our expectation to another person, such expression is often an attempt “to influence them,” or “to get them to do our will.”

Even if this is a common practice, and we rationalize why we are doing it, it is wrong to try to control self-accountable individuals. In principle and practice, individual freedom needs to be respected. The violation of individual freedom can range from petty to heinous, and is at the heart of every conflict.

When we choose to express our expectations for others, they will likely feel pressure to comply. If they feel that such pressure is an attempt to control their behavior, resentment may result. And relationships can be severely strained. In addition, if the recipients of our expressed expectations choose not to comply with them, we will likely be displeased. And those “recipients” may feel uncomfortable or upset with us. For the relationship, it is typically a lose-lose situation.

Do you believe that you are just “helping” the other person make a good decision? It is important to recognize that their decision is their decision; it is not your decision. Rationalizing that the use of controlling behavior does not change what it is. Mature, self-accountable individuals need to be fully free to make their own decisions.

Once a person reaches a self-accountable age, they become responsible for their own decisions. That doesn’t mean that you can’t have boundaries and/or consequences in relation to the choices they make toward you. Such defenses are important for protecting yourself and your property.

WHAT YOU DO in relation to what others do to you IS YOUR DECISION. And WHAT THEY DO IS THEIR DECISION. The reverse is also true. You wouldn’t want others to try to control your decisions. All individuals have the same God-given rights. Personal decision making needs to be free of outside interference.

If you love someone, you will, naturally, hope that they make good decisions. Teach them as much truth as you can. They will choose what they believe and what they do not. You will never be able to control their mind, and that is a good thing. Such independence is what makes them an individual.

If they are young, they will need guidance. As they mature, they will need less and less guidance. Once they have reached a mature, self-accountable age, it is no longer appropriate to steer them. They become free, independent individuals. Do not expect them to do your will. Teach them when you can and hope they make good decisions. But it is not appropriate to coerce free, independent individuals.

More is better… right?

When I was young, I lived in a large house. It may have been the largest house in the town where I lived at that time. It had nine outside entrances, eight bedrooms, four bathrooms, several other rooms. Sometimes we had visitors who would comment about how nice the house was. As a child, I heard these types of comments and looked around, trying to grasp what they were seeing. To me the house was normal, not special. When I went to my friends’ homes to play, I never even thought about how their houses were different than mine. It wasn’t important to me; we just played together. As I matured, I started to realize that the house I lived in was unusual.

My father loved classic cars. And we had a lot of them. I remember counting the number of vehicles that we had at our house. At one time, we had 24. They ranged in style and working condition. A few were “project” cars. Some of the more interesting cars were a 1936 Plymouth Roadster, a 1951 Willies Jeep, a 1957 Chevy Bel Air, a 1957 Desoto Firedome, a 1966 Ford Mustang, a 1966 Buick Wildcat, a 1969 Dodge Charger, a 1969 Cadillac Sedan Deville, a 1971 GMC Jimmy, and a 1973 Triumph Spitfire.

My siblings and I spent a lot of time restoring and driving these cars in high school. I thought that they would help make me “cool.” But, our unusual house and cars did not strengthen my self-confidence. In fact, they seemed to somehow take it away. I struggled to have confidence, and I could not understand why.

I desperately wanted to be “cool” and I tried hard to be so. I participated in lots of “cool” things. I played in an oldies rock band. We had big “lawn parties” at our house. We invited anyone who wanted to come, and large groups did. We performed at various private and community gatherings. We had money, a special house, cool cars, and apparent prestige, yet my self-confidence struggled. I wanted to be in the “cool” group at school, but I did not feel like I was. There were always “cooler” people than me. I pursued the desire of “making it” and “being cool,” but it never brought me any real happiness. In fact, it seemed to remove my happiness. I could not understand it.

In high school I joined the “Esteem Team.” It was a class and associated club that promoted self-esteem among the student body. I was voted to be the president of the organization. The advisor taught us lessons designed to “boost our self-esteem.” We learned how each one of us was “good enough” and “smart enough.” And we were tasked with spreading these messages among the school’s student body.

I wondered how anyone could make such indiscriminate blanket statements to everyone. We were “good enough” and “smart enough” for what? Even though I was the organization’s president, the messages seemed hollow and meaningless to me. They certainly did not, in any meaningful way, boost my struggling self-confidence.

High school ended and I moved on. I did not attend any of my graduating class’s high school reunions. I felt like, if I did, the question of who was “cool” and who was not would still exist. I was, personally, no longer interested in such things.

Life Is Full of Surprises

I left home, married, and worked hard to acquire our own things. After 20+ years of marriage and possession gathering, I had nine properties, and my net worth approached a million dollars. But things can change quickly. Life is full of surprises.

To my astonishment, my wife betrayed me, emptied our bank accounts, and forbade me from entering our marital residence. She created a new lease on our home which was only in her name. She gathered up many of our assets and, then, divorced me.

It was a very difficult time for me. Our business interests collapsed. I was forced to live in a small unfinished building, milk cows twice a day, and wash my clothes by hand. I slept in a hay loft. I could not afford an attorney and had to represent myself in court alone until the divorce trial was over which took more than three years. After about 31 court hearings, my opposition successfully seized control of the properties and possessions I had acquired.

All of this has been a rich learning experience which made me very poor. But, I am grateful for it. It has given me a lot of knowledge and wisdom. I have direct personal experience with many of the principles about which I write. They are not theoretical.

I know what captivity is like; I know what freedom is like. I know what it is like to be alone; I know what it is like to be married. I know what it is like to be in an abusive marriage; I know what it is like to be in a beautiful marriage (I married again). I know what it is like to have others control you; I know what it is like to have others support you. I know what deep deception is like; I know what full honesty is like. I know what narcissistic gaslighting is like; I know what critical thinking is like. I know what betrayal is like; I know what True Love is like. I know what it is like to be popular; I know what it is like to be despised. I know what it is like to drive a sports car. I know what it is like to be without reliable transportation. I know what it is like to live in a mansion; I know what it is like to sleep in a barn. I clearly remember the snow drifting in next to my humble bed in the hay loft. All of our life experiences give us understanding.

Many things have come and gone in my life. I am certainly no longer “cool” by traditional standards. I no longer live in a mansion with exotic cars. And at the time of this writing, I have few possessions. The interesting thing is that I don’t even want a mansion or exotic cars anymore. I know they are hollow and don’t bring true joy. I believe, if I had them again, they would actually be a distraction from my joy. If I acquire any classic cars again, it will be for their quality and simplicity, not for making impressions.

I am grateful for the lessons that I did not seek. I see things differently now. The course I am pursuing now is bringing more confidence and true joy to me. I feel like I have been set free from the mental cage in which I once lived. I can now see that many of the traditional pursuits of life interfere with personal confidence and real joy.

I try to think independently now instead of following the crowd. I am trying to live my life outside of society’s mental pressures. I have learned that having too many things significantly interferes with my freedom and happiness. We need to be very selective about what things we bring into our lives. Everything we acquire has obligations that come with it. The old adage: “What you own, owns you” is true. There is a price for everything you acquire and ongoing payments of money, time, and/or thought related to it. There are also burdens of storage, management, maintenance, taxes, insurance, and so on.

The Sweet Spot

I believe that the ideal material situation is as follows: to live in a safe, enjoyable location, with good food and adequate clothing, in the smallest home that meets your needs, with sufficient, reliable transportation, and access to the equipment and resources that you need to do the things that you love. I believe that anything more or less than this becomes burdensome. Having less creates difficulties, and having more also creates difficulties. There is a sweet spot between having too much and too little. It is a material position that is sufficient for your needs and enables you to do the things you love, but without the difficulties that come with excess.

It won’t be the same for everyone. And to be clear, I am NOT encouraging anyone to choose poverty or to limit their income intentionally, EXCEPT when it interferes with happiness (which is often the case). Ask yourself: “What type of life brings the most true joy?” Materialism and “image” maintenance certainly does not. There is a much better way to live. And it is different than what most people do.

What is the Goal?

I was once describing a passionate hobby of my brother’s family to someone else. They recognized the amount of time and energy that went into the hobby and asked, “How can they monetize it?” I was confused and struggled to respond. It seemed to me that the idea behind the question was: they are using a lot of time that is taking them away from earning money. How can they do both? Although this a legitimate question, is money the goal or joy?

How much money is enough for you? If you earn that amount, are you going to want more? What are you really going to do with that money? These questions are difficult to answer honestly.

Do you want a bigger house? With the exception of trying to elevate our image (which will be covered later), why would we think that large houses are better? To acquire them, we typically work to pay for every square foot. And once acquired, every square foot requires cleaning, maintenance, utilities, repairs, insurance, and taxes on a continuing basis. There is a direct correlation between how many things we have (especially if they are big or expensive) and how much free time we have.

Do you want a nicer car? The same goes for our car(s). The nicer our car is, the more expensive it is to purchase and the more resources it takes to maintain and insure it. Why burden ourselves more than is necessary?

The nicer cars and bigger houses are typically really about image. Many people are trying to prove to themselves, their family, and/or others that they are “successful.” They falsely believe that their possessions are a reflection of their success and self-worth. If you gauge success as accomplishing what is most important in your life, then material possessions aren’t even on the list. Think about it.

Others argue that, for them, their new fancy car is not about image, but about quality and reliability. The truth is, the new more exotic cars, although more expensive, are generally less reliable than many of the standard cars of the masses; ask auto mechanics. The engineering of new, more exotic cars is often less perfected because of less production time and volume. The same goes for many of the new fancy things we can buy. The most reliable cars and gadgets are usually not the latest edition. Spaceships and satellites are made as much as possible with older, well-proven parts and technologies. Why? Because they need to be mechanically superior.

Some people maintain larger homes than they need for seemingly logical reasons. One reason is to be able to host occasional large gatherings of people. In this situation, wouldn’t it make more sense to rent suitable places for each gathering? You would save all the money, time, and effort needed to acquire and maintain the additional space. You could even host the gatherings in a variety of locations. Of course, what makes the most sense depends on your individual situation. If you have ten kids and only two bedrooms, you may need more space (even though our ancestors made similar accommodations work).

The same principles apply to recreational vehicles. If you use them frequently, then it might make sense to own them. But if you don’t, consider renting instead. With renting, you can choose exactly what you want when you want it. What you choose will be prepared for you ahead of time. Think about how much better that might be for you. You eliminate time and effort involved in owning as well as the purchase costs, storage costs, maintenance costs, repair cost, and taxes. Obviously there are all kinds of personal circumstances, but consider owning less in order to have more freedom and a better life.

The Social Media Deception

Sadly, we often choose to think we are entitled to many things, and we have expectations for them. We place ourselves in mental bondage this way. Sometimes that mentality encourages financial bondage. Trying to impress others can also create mental bondage. These traps limit our agency, freedom, and potential happiness.

Frequent use of social media can also exacerbate these common weaknesses. As stated earlier:

“It is common to choose (it is a choice) our expectations, based on the culture in which we live. …We might choose to believe that we are entitled to what we perceive as being “normal” in our culture. In this case, we might believe we are entitled to have and do what we think others have and do.”

Frequent use of social media usually distorts our view of reality. That which is on social media generally does not reflect real life. Typically, people post things BECAUSE they are different or special. Most often, posts are constructed to be as perfect or extreme as possible. Photos are intentionally taken from the best angle and usually include what is desirable and leave out what is not. Photos for a post are seldom picked at random, but are carefully selected for the same reasons. The portrayal is not realistic, nor is the receiver aware of the whole story.

The person who spends significant time on social media digests a continual stream of distorted reality. The problem gets bigger if that person chooses to expect their life to mirror the false portrayal. They will likely be disappointed and maybe even depressed when their life does not measure up to the way they believe it “should” be.

Money

It is a common misconception that money brings happiness. Some of this misconception stems from the fact that, until your basic needs are met, acquiring certain things can bring you relief. If you are cold and hungry, money can secure you a place to stay and food to eat. This relief can increase your happiness. But once your basic needs are met, money no longer has this power.

Striving for joy is the chief underlying motivation for all of our actions. Joy is a more profound, longer lasting form of happiness. Many people strive to acquire more money because they believe it will bring them more joy.

Many people in the world do not have many options for earning money. People who do sometimes choose jobs they absolutely despise because they pay well. Except in needful circumstances, it doesn’t make sense. Why would someone make themselves intentionally miserable for the bulk of their most productive time, in an attempt to make themselves happier during some of their time off? If they can meet their basic needs through more enjoyable work, then why not do that instead?

Perhaps this sounds overly simplistic to you, but there is an often-forgotten principle here. The ultimate purpose of life is achieving a fullness of joy. It is not about acquiring more things or more power. Those things are not going to give you more true joy.

“men [and women] are, that they might have joy.”[1]

I also know people who love their jobs. They enjoy their work and enjoy their time off. Isn’t this a much better way to live (even with less money)? Why not seek for this situation? Are there jobs that pay less, but that you would enjoy more? Can you still meet your basic needs with less income? Many times the motivation for pursuing the additional money is really about image.

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[1] The Book of Mormon; Another Testament of Jesus Christ, 2 Nephi 2:25.

Living Outside of What’s “Cool”

Most of us seek the approval of those around us. We often try to impress others and be popular among our peers. These desires are a problem for both youth and adults. Trying to be “cool,” “successful,” “popular,” “rich,” a “heavy weight,” or whatever terms you use to describe those whom you consider to be “on top,” can create problems for us. That’s because these designations are based on the opinion of others. This is the main issue. The reasons why this is a major issue will become more apparent later on.

Other issues include the fact that the standards for being “on top” are always changing, and always moving farther and farther away. It is a game with no end. As soon as we mold ourselves and our lives to fit the new standard, the standard changes and we discover there is more to do. If we live our lives trapped in this game, we struggle to be content and miss out on much of the joy that is available to us. We can also spend our time and resources chasing something we can’t keep. It is a deception. And it is vital that we let go of this crippling philosophy in order to reach our full potential.

Free to Think

When you do succeed in abandoning your need to be “on top,” you unleash more potential for true joy. You will likely start living your life in ways that make more sense and bring you more fulfillment. You will live in ways that are different from the public’s latest version of “cool.” That means you will now be thinking for yourself and acting independently, instead of being controlled by the crowd. This is a very good thing and will yield significant positive results for you.

However, you will also encounter resistance by those who are controlled by the crowd, because you are not playing “the game.” They will see you as not measuring up in the ways that you “should” be. In essence, you are more or less rejecting your society’s group expectations.

This is a problem for them because it destabilizes the foundation upon which they have already built their lives. They want you to think like they do because such thinking reinforces their belief that they are right. If you exhibit a different worldview, you challenge what they believe.

A worldview which is not based on truth is unstable. When those who hold to an unstable worldview come into contact with your superior worldview (based on more truth), it can metaphorically shake their foundation.

They will typically respond to you in one of four ways. They will pressure you to think like they do, try to discredit you, ignore you, or, if they have sufficient personal integrity, reconsider their own worldview. Most people naturally resist change, so the last response is less likely. The last response also requires an open mind and humility, which is not common. Most likely, they will ignore and turn away from you, or try to help “fix” or discredit you.

It is difficult to go against the current of society in order to follow paths of greater joy. Resisting the pressures of those around you takes effort and courage. This is true for many situations. But if joy is your goal, such resistance is a must! It is likely that persons who follow the crowd will look down on you or even mock you for your differing choices. If they question why you don’t seek to be popular, you might reply to them: “I’m not cool, I’m happy.”

Freedom Enables Joy

When you remove the chains of social pressures, you become freer. Freedom, which allows agency (individualism), is essential for achieving joy. The more freedom you have, the more choices you have, and the more joy you can achieve.

Choices give us the ability to diminish, maintain, or increase our happiness. The more you exercise your agency wisely, the more joy you can achieve. It is important that every person be given as much freedom and agency as possible. This will allow them the potential to obtain the most joy.

However, those who use their agency to take away freedom from other self-accountable adults must be restrained. This is why we have laws and institutions to enforce those laws. But as long as someone’s worldview and actions do not infringe upon the freedom of others, they must be tolerated in society.

It does not matter if a person’s beliefs or actions are “radical.” As long as they are a self-accountable adult and do not infringe upon the freedom of others, they need to remain free. Embracing this philosophy as a society is the only way for full individual freedom to exist within it. And full freedom is the only way to full joy. The more agency someone has, the greater their success and joy can be.

The opposite is true as well. The more agency someone has, the greater their failures and misery can be. But agency is essential for freedom. And Freedom allows the potential for maximum joy, and the potential for maximum sorrow. One cannot exist without the other. Therefore, individual freedom and responsibility need to be respected.

Love or Bondage

As we make daily decisions, there are two opposing forces that cause us to respect the opinion of others in our life. (These two forces do not include decisions based on a contractual agreement. That is a different matter.) We let others influence us because either we love them or we fear them on some level.

If you love someone (on any level), you will consider their desires when making a decision that affects them in order “to give” to them (out of love via agency). The influence they have upon you is based in the love you have for them. That which you do for them through your own free will and choice is a gift to them if you do not expect anything in return. Such gifts are true gifts because they come from real love.

If you fear someone, you will also consider their desires when making a decision, but for very different reasons. You will do so “to appease” them (out of fear via bondage). In this case, there is no gift from you, only an attempt to avoid their wrath.

Whenever we alter our decisions to appease someone, we are, whether we realize it or not, submitting to their attempt to control us. We are choosing to go into bondage. If their attempt to control us works, it is more likely that they will use similar tactics to exercise more and more control over us. We will remain in bondage until we stop fearing them and start acting independently again. In some situations that can be very difficult.

Submitting to someone’s will does not necessarily mean we are in bondage to them. As previously explained, we often choose to do it out of love. We may also choose to do it in exchange for things we want. Our paid employment is an example of such. We choose to do someone else’s work in exchange for money.

In these situations and other healthy agreements, the exchange is a win-win arrangement based completely on freewill choice. Both parties choose to freely enter the arrangement and both parties benefit from the arrangement. On the other hand, whenever we submit to someone else’s will, not to gain something better, but in order to keep them from doing something bad to us, this is a form of bondage. If repeated, it becomes servitude, the opposite of freedom. This dynamic which sometimes shows up in marriages and families, needs to be identified for what it is: tyranny.

Does your spouse (or anyone) ever threaten to do something negative to you if you don’t do their will? Do you ever do that? Does your spouse (or anyone) ever pressure you to behave a certain way with the understanding that if you don’t they will withdraw their love from you? Do you ever do that?

If so, your “love” is not real love, but a payment in exchange for compliance. It is a selfish attempt to control another. Real love comes from the heart and is not conditional on a person’s performance. You love them because of who you are instead of what they do. Each self-accountable person in a marriage and family needs to have freedom to make their own decisions without pressure or manipulation. This is vital for the joy of the individual and the success of the marriage.

Parents and Children

It is appropriate for a parent to restrict, at times, certain freedoms from a child. This is part of the right and duty of parents to care for, teach, and influence their children. However, inflicting or threatening to inflict pain on a child (or anyone) in order to coerce them into doing what you want is tyranny.

The better approach is to grant privileges to your children when they behave well and remove those privileges when they do not. Let natural consequence do the teaching. Do not remove (whenever possible) the natural consequences that follow their actions, both good and bad. This is the best method for teaching them how the real world works.

If you teach them what the results of their actions will be, but then give them freedom to choose what they do, they will learn to love and trust you by experience. It is important to let them make small mistakes when they are young and suffer the natural consequences in order for them to avoid larger mistakes when are older. Don’t try to control your children; love, teach, and influence them. They will develop wisdom and have greater personal success (and joy) more quickly if you do not try to control their agency.

Confidence

Confidence is an attribute that gives us the strength necessary to be independent agents. Our overall self-confidence is based on the combined total of the things from which we derive confidence. Confidence is derived from four different types of truths (or supposed truths): absolute truths, relative truths, truths we control, and truths we do not control.

Absolute truths are truths that are not subject to outside forces. The fact that you are a human being is an absolute truth. Relative truths are truths based on a comparison to a particular standard. Whether you are “rich” or “poor” is a relative truth based on what standard you use. A truth we control lies within our ability to change it. A truth we do not control lies without our ability to change it. (Even if we can influence something, if we cannot ultimately determine the outcome, it is not really in our control.) Here are some examples of these types of truths:

An absolute truth:

My house is 2812 square feet.

A relative truth:

My house is bigger than my best friend’s house.

A truth we control:

I believe that I have a nice house.

A truth we do not control:

My friends believe that I have a nice house.

Confidence comes from the belief that what we think is true and what we are doing is right. We gain confidence by observing ourselves accomplish what we believe. There are two kinds of confidence: False Confidence and True Confidence.

False Confidence is fragile and temporary because it is derived from things which are supposed to be true but are not, or are relative truths (which are not permanent). An example of confidence derived from something which is not true is when a person believes they are fundamentally superior to everyone else. They may derive confidence from this false belief for a time, but eventually they will discover that they are wrong and will lose that confidence.

An example of confidence derived from a relative truth is when a person believes that they (their clothing and/or things) are “in style.” In this case, they may derive confidence from these things for a time, but that confidence is fragile because styles change. And unless those who are trying to be stylish also change, they will fall “out of style.” Keeping confidence derived from relative truths necessitates constantly shifting to reconform to the relative goal.

True Confidence is constant, stable, and permanent. It is derived from truths that are unchanging, or truths that we fully control. For example, we can derive confidence from the fact that we have intrinsic value as a human being. This measure of confidence is permanent because it is based on something that does not change.

Also, if we choose to be pleased with the way we handled something, the resultant confidence can be permanent because we control our own mind. We choose what we think. We can be pleased regardless of what anybody else thinks about our performance. When the combined sources of our confidence are true sources, our overall self confidence is constant, stable, and permanent.

As human beings, we generally resist accepting our personal faults or acknowledging when we are wrong, because doing so removes some of our confidence. This is especially hard for someone who already has low confidence. Although difficult, it is essential to confront our faults so as to gain more True Confidence. We have to let go of our false ideas that bring False Confidence in order to make space for true ideas that bring True Confidence.

A person with more True Confidence is less resistant to accepting that they may be wrong. This is probably because they have already done so many times in the past, in order to gain the True Confidence they now possess. Also, their True Confidence helps stabilize them while being further corrected.

How to Gain True Confidence

True Confidence is gained by aligning our beliefs and actions with truth and being true to our inner self. To do this well, we must resist pressures from society and others, and live independently. The ever changing trends of our society frequently run contrary to truth and must be resisted to stay aligned with truth.

If you worry excessively about what your peers will think when making decisions, this is a clear indication that you are allowing yourself to be controlled by them. You are choosing to surrender a portion of your agency and forfeiting available True Confidence. The ability to resist peer pressure and free ourselves from this type of bondage takes internal strength.

Perhaps you don’t have the internal strength to be fully independent. Not to worry, that strength can be developed. Like a muscle, the more you exercise it, the stronger and freer you become. Here are some things you can do to strengthen your independence (freedom) and gain additional True Confidence:

• Practice listening to your own thoughts and feelings instead of those of others. In other words, make decisions based on what you think, rather than on what the people around you think. This will strengthen your individuality and True Confidence. (This does not apply when you are consciously altering your decision in order to “give” to someone.)

• Weaken the hold public opinion has over your mind by intentionally doing things in the public sphere that align with truth or your values, but run contrary to public pressures. Start small and then move to larger things. Maybe post a picture on social media that is real-life instead of manipulated. Even small things, as simple as whistling or humming a favorite tune in public when you feel vulnerable, can strengthen you. Start working that mental muscle, and it will grow stronger.

• Choose to live your style instead of “in style.” Live as you wish, and wear what you like. Be you! Be happy, not “cool.”

• Be bold about your views and beliefs publicly, especially when they are not popular (always, of course, respecting those of others).

• Choose to be content with what you already have materially (assuming your basic needs are met). Minimize your pursuit of more “stuff” and maximize your free time in order to engage in more important things, including the things that you love.

The reason I could not gain True Confidence in high school, from my big house, classic cars, and such, was because my approach was subject to the opinions of others. It is not possible to gain True Confidence this way. At best, one may gain some False Confidence, but that confidence will not last.

I was trying to convince others I was “cool.” I thought if they believed I was “cool,” then I was “cool.” Yet I had no real control over their view of me. Although I tried to influence them, I could not make them like me, and they could change their opinion about me at any time. I was trying to build confidence on an unstable foundation. There was no way for me to gain True Confidence that way.

Keys to Joy

How do we find true joy? We don’t. Joy is not found, it is achieved. Here are fundamental principles for achieving joy:

• Live according to God’s standards.
• Meet the foundational needs of: safety, shelter, food, and hope.
• Love and serve others
• Accomplish good works
• Labor physically
• Have vision
• Be independent
• Be grateful

Living according to God’s standards is vital to achieve true joy. I know from personal experience that God is real. His laws are designed to bring us joy. Seek to know and obey Him. Talk to Him from your heart in prayer. He will help you achieve true joy.

Foundational needs come next. Until a person feels safe, little else matters. Adequate shelter is necessary to give a person a safe place to be. Food is essential for life. And Hope lifts us out of despair. After these foundational needs are met, we are in a position to achieve more joy.

Loving and serving others is key to achieving true joy. Both giving to others and receiving from others bring happiness, but giving brings more happiness than receiving. We cannot control what others do for us, but we can control what we do for others.

It is in our natures to create. Never stop working to accomplish good things. The possibilities are endless for what you might do.

Physical labor renews and strengthens the body. Get out and do physical things. This will bring you satisfaction, added health, strength, energy, and vitality. And, there is a “healing balm” in nature.

Everyone needs to have vision and a plan for where they want to be in their future. Vision precedes hope. “Where there is no vision, the people perish:”[1]

Independence is freedom from outside control, which is fundamental to agency. Any time we choose to be dependent on other people, or anything outside of our full control, we surrender some of our agency and potential joy.

We feel gratitude when we recognize that which we have been given. Gratitude is akin to happiness itself. Gratitude’s greatest enemy is entitlement. Expectations are based in entitlement, and they short-circuit gratitude. Focus on and be grateful for all the good in your life.

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[1] The Holy Bible, King James Version, Proverbs 29:18.

Partnership Pitfalls

Basic joint ownership is often problematic. This is true for two person partnerships all the way to communist nations. Two potential problems with such endeavors are: (1) there is often no true leadership under joint ownership and (2) there is gridlock without consensus. Endeavors struggle under these conditions. For a partnership to move forward unhindered, there must always be a clear leader. Multiple leaders with distinct stewardships can also be an effective approach. Leaders are indispensable.

If there are an odd number of partners (of equal standing), then a majority vote can be used to appoint a leader and to make certain decisions. This system does not diminish the equality of dissenting partners, but gives the same power to all according to a pre-agreed method of operation.

If voting is used and there are an even number of partners (of equal standing), there must be a method to break a tie vote. Various methods have been used to solve this dilemma historically. The most common is to give special tie-breaking authority to someone. This is the way that businesses, organizations, nations, AND MARRIAGES need to operate to be as successful as they can be. Otherwise, a two person (of equal standing) joint venture will be missing the leadership to move forward effectively and potentially fall into gridlock.

One way to solve these problems in a marriage is for wives and husbands to mutually agree on separate family stewardships that they chiefly control. Input from all involved parties for all family stewardships raises the likelihood of success, but one person needs to be able to make the final decision on any given matter. Unless designated leadership is given to someone, the success of specific endeavors is jeopardized, and general forward progress stifled.

In many cases, the lack of a timely decision (because of a lack of consensus) results in a bad decision. Progress can be halted and opportunities missed. Each final decision for a particular matter can be made by the spouse with the stewardship over that matter as previously agreed.

It is important for couples to discuss various family responsibilities and make decisions together as to who will manage each one. Afterwards, couples must allow each other sufficient autonomy to operate freely in their respective roles, while at the same time supporting each other.

You can support each other by helping with all responsibilities, regardless of which spouse is over them. Work together and consult with each other often. Contribute as much as possible.

Honor and support the decisions of your spouse. This is especially important when there is a lack of agreement about how to handle something. Consult together about what to do and then let the spouse with authority over that matter make the final decision. Afterwards, the dissenting spouse will have the opportunity to show love and respect by supporting the decision. It is important to take advantage of that opportunity in order to foster love and respect in the relationship.

Do not attempt to control your spouse in any way. Do not pressure them to help you. Share your hopes with them, but do not express expectations (entitlement) to them. Let your spouse handle their stewardships in the ways they think are best. It is okay to let them know that you do not agree with them, but be supportive anyway. They are going to make some poor decisions. Let them. No one is perfect. So do not expect your spouse to be perfect. You are also going to make some poor decisions managing your stewardship.

Love is Freedom

In a loving, healthy marriage partnership, the individual agency of each spouse is respected. This freedom is vital for the individual success and happiness of each spouse as well as the overall success of the marriage. Each spouse needs to be able to freely make decisions on their own. They need to be able to freely come and go as they choose. They need to be able to freely manage their lives and stewardships. True Love grants such freedoms.

It is healthy to ask for the opinion of your spouse. But if one spouse has to ask the other if they can do something, or if they can go somewhere, then the relationship is not right. The asking spouse is in bondage to the governing spouse. Such must never be the case.

Spouses are and need to be treated as equals. They are different from each other, with different responsibilities, but they are equal in value and independence. Each spouse needs to be able to fully exercise their own agency, all the time. Anything less than that indicates that one spouse is taking a superior position over their partner. In many marriages, each partner tries to exercise control through pressure, manipulation, and expressing expectations.

Does it matter how we routinely interact with our spouse in small matters? Absolutely! All things have meanings and effects. Our actions and words create precedents. Repeated precedents create behavior. Repeated behavior creates habits. Habits shape thought. It is not right for one spouse to elevate themselves above the other or subjugate themselves to the other. It is not uncommon for both spouses to do this at different times. But, it is never positive.

If one spouse chooses to do something or chooses to go somewhere, they have the right to do so. Instead of asking the other spouse if they can, a better exchange might go like this:

“My friend is having a tough time right now. I am going to go see them. Would you be willing to handle my responsibilities while I am gone?”

The other spouse can express any concerns they might have about their spouse’s plans, but without applying any pressure to change those plans. Healthy marriage partners work with each other to find ways to enable each other’s desires. This is love.

Perhaps the spouse choosing to see their friend has responsibilities that must be addressed while they are gone. If so, whoever is remaining at home can choose to fulfill those responsibilities, or temporary outside help might be arranged.

The same goes for how each spouse spends their time. They need complete autonomy to operate however they choose. Love is freedom. It is not okay for spouses to try to control each other in any way. Healthy marriages work like supportive friendships, without pressure and without servitude. The same principles apply to family finances.

Family Financial Management

For true equality to exist in a marriage, spouses must have equal access to money. Money is an element of power. It is important to establish a system that enables financial equality and freedom in marriage relationships while at the same time handling joint family responsibilities. (“Family” here refers to the shared interests of you and your spouse, regardless of whether or not you have children.) Below is a framework for a financial plan that allows for equality, better management, greater accountability, and self-determination. Self-determination is an important aspect of freedom, success, and true joy.

To adopt this framework, spouses must be willing to do the following:

1. Agree to “combine” all pre-existing assets and liabilities.
2. Create one Family Account and a Personal Account for each spouse.
3. Divide up the various responsibilities of your family life.
4. Equally divide combined assets and liabilities (except for those that must be shared).
5. Designate future income from all family sources as “family income.”
6. Divide “family income” in this way: put a mutually agreed upon portion into the Family Account, and divide the remaining income equally between the Personal Accounts.
7. Pay indivisible family expenses out of the Family Account and everything else out of Personal Accounts.

1. Agree to “combine” all pre-existing assets and liabilities. Put your spouse above material things and begin anew with them. Let go of the past and start on equal financial footing. It will require love from you to share your property with your spouse and to willingly take on their financial obligations as your own. Show that love. This important step only needs to take place once and will equalize you and your spouse financially. It is easiest to do this at the beginning of your marriage commitment. But if you didn’t do it then, do it now.

2. Create one Family Account and a Personal Account for each spouse. Money is an element of power and a common catalyst of disharmony. Individual responsibility for money and assets is the best way to handle them whenever possible. Create a Family Account for handling indivisible family assets and liabilities and a Personal Account for each spouse. The reasoning for this will be explained shortly.

3. Divide up the various responsibilities of your family life. Discuss who is going to handle what. Make a list of the different stewardships each of you will handle. Make adjustments and changes as often as you like, but always with a clear understanding as to who will handle each responsibility, asset, and liability.

4. Equally divide combined assets and liabilities (except for those that must be shared). Equally assign the various family responsibilities, assets, and liabilities to each spouse. Divide as many items as possible. This will allow each responsibility, asset, and liability to be individually managed. Individual management promotes better management, greater accountability, and overall success.

Some of the family’s assets and liabilities that must be shared might include:

• The family home and property.
• The needs of the children.
• Family meal expenses.
• A single family vehicle.
• Family Insurance.
• Family medical needs.
• Family vacations.

It is best if each of the various family responsibilities is delegated to a single person, but not necessarily the expenses associated with those responsibilities. For example, one spouse may agree to manage family food and the kitchen, but if a new stove is needed, that expense can come out of the Family Account by agreement. If there is a responsibility that nobody wants to manage, funds from the Family Account could be used to pay an outside person to do so.

5. Designate future income from all family sources as “family income.” Doing so puts each spouse on an equal financial footing regardless of who is bringing in money at that time or the division of family responsibilities. Each spouse will be contributing, but not all family contributions bring in money.

6. Divide “family income” in this way: put a mutually agreed upon portion into the Family Account, and divide the remaining income equally between the Personal Accounts. The portion that goes into the Family Account can be anything you mutually agree upon. It can be a set amount each income period, a percentage, or something else. The portion can be changed at anytime to meet your family’s needs. The rest of the income is to be divided equally between the Personal Accounts. Each spouse receives the same amount. This must be true regardless of the source of “family income.”

7. Pay indivisible family expenses out of the Family Account and everything else out of Personal Accounts. The money in the Family Account is to be used to service indivisible family expenses as agreed. It could be used to pay rent/mortgage payments, utilities, food, the needs of the children, etc.

The Family Account funds are owned jointly with all of its pitfalls. And the fewer number of things that are paid out of the Family Account, the better. Placing more family money under individual management will promote a greater likelihood of individual and overall family financial success. It will also typically reduce conflict and promote added love.

The money that is divided equally into the Personal Accounts becomes the personal money of each spouse. They are free to use it as they please. The money can be spent, saved, invested, given away, or used in any way the spouse chooses. This gives each spouse equal financial freedom and independence.

It is important to take care of one’s self. And part of doing so is having the ability to use resources available to you in ways that are important to you. This empowers personal agency, independence, responsibility, and fulfillment. It unleashes personal growth and potential success. Added personal success increases family success. More individual freedom and responsibility allow the possibility of more love and joy, personally and as a family.

One of the most beautiful things that Personal Accounts accomplish for the marriage relationship is that they allow new opportunities to show love through giving. Personal money is personal. Therefore, if it is spent on your spouse, family, or others it becomes an authentic personal gift. If you sincerely give to your spouse, using your personal funds, your actions are a true gift of love. Such a demonstration of love is not available with funds that are jointly owned.

Having Personal Accounts also reduces financial conflict in marriages. If a spouse wants to buy something that the other does not, they may be able to do so with their personal funds. A conflict over the disagreement is entirely avoided.

Having Personal Accounts also allows each spouse to acquire a level of savings that matches their comfort level. Some people require a larger savings reserve than others to feel secure. Having Personal Accounts can help avoid many potential marriage conflicts.

Having Personal Accounts also allows for added personal development in a host of ways. One way is the possibility of personal investing or the creation of a personal business. Some spouses will take advantage of this opportunity and find such work fulfilling.

When this occurs, returns from personal investments or businesses which are not reinvested in such endeavors need to be treated as family income. If a spouse is successful in a personal financial endeavor, more money will be added to the family’s income stream. This will benefit the spouse who engaged in the endeavor directly as well as the entire family.

Some may argue that dividing family funds reduces the oneness of the marriage relationship. Actually, the opposite is true. Not only will this framework allow for individual action, increased prosperity, and reduced conflict, but it also allows for greater love and service to each other. Giving to your spouse using personal funds inspires love and joy for the giver, and increased love and gratitude for the receiver. Such added love, gratitude, bonding, and joy would not have existed otherwise.

I recommend that a couple’s dating expenses be paid from Personal Accounts whenever possible. One spouse can invite the other on a date, make arrangements for the activity, and pay all associated expenses. This amplifies giving, receiving, and gratitude in the marriage relationship.

Family Financial Management Example

Here is an example of how this system might work for a couple with the principles numbered:

Kyle and Amy get married. (1) They both agree to merge their assets and liabilities. Everything becomes “family controlled.” (2) They open new bank accounts at one bank for simplicity. They hope to have children, and Amy wants to be a stay-at-home mom. Kyle has a good job that provides enough income for the family, and he wants to support Amy’s desire. (3) They decide together who is going to handle the various responsibilities.

Going into the marriage, Kyle had an apartment, a nice vehicle with monthly payments, and two debts (one small and one large). Amy owned a house and a simple vehicle, without any debts.

(4) Since Kyle will continue his job, they mutually agree to live near his work and to jointly buy a suitable home. They sell Amy’s previous home, use some of the money to pay down Kyle’s large debt (to match his small one), and put the rest towards their new house. Kyle keeps responsibility for one of the remaining debts and Amy accepts the other.

Kyle likes his nice vehicle and they agree together that he can keep it. He personally assumes the monthly payments and remaining debt. Amy likes her simple vehicle and they agree together that she can keep it. She has no monthly payments or debt on it.

Kyle earns most of the family’s income. Amy brings in a small amount of money through some personal investments. (5) They combine their incomes into one family income. (6) They decide that66% of the family’s income will go into the Family Account and 17% into each Personal Account.

Amy manages the Family Account. (7) She pays the costs related to their new home as well as family medical expenses from the Family Account. Occasionally, she puts extra money toward their home mortgage. She also saves money for child related costs and an upcoming family trip.

Kyle uses the money from his Personal Account to service his small debt, pay his monthly vehicle payments, and buy things he needs and wants. He also uses the money to take Amy on dates and to buy things for her to show her love. He saves 10 percent of each Personal Account infusion and gives 10 percent to charity.

Amy uses the money from her Personal Account to service her small debt and buy things she needs and wants. She also uses the money to do nice things for Kyle and show him love. After paying off her small debt, she plans to save 30 percent of each Personal Account infusion towards starting a small business.

Note that Amy gave more financially at the creation of their family. It is normal for one spouse to have more than the other. It is important to remedy those inequalities and start anew together as equals. Also note that Kyle is producing, at least initially, most of the family income. Regardless of individual resources and/or income-producing capabilities, always put your spouse above your material possessions.

Spouse and Family Businesses

If a spouse has their own business, they need to have freedom to operate that business as they see fit. A wise person will consult regularly with their spouse to gain insight and perspective on all important decisions, but ultimately decisions need to be made by the managing spouse.

When a business generates profit, the managing spouse decides how these funds are used. The spouse can reinvest the funds into the business, contribute them to the family, or do both. Whenever funds are contributed to the family, they join the family’s income stream and are divided as already discussed. It is also important that business assets are not used for the personal benefit of only one spouse. Doing so undermines equality in the marriage relationship.

If each spouse has their own business, there need not be any competitive feelings between them. Each spouse ought to support as much as possible the other spouse in every way they can. Not only is this showing love, but the success of any one of the family’s financial endeavors is a win for the whole family.

If family members share a single family business, each person needs to clearly understand what their role and responsibilities are in that business. They need to help each other as much as possible, but each responsibility must have only one managing steward. The entire business also needs to have a designated President or Chief Executive Officer who manages the general direction of the business. Only one person can have this job (at a time) for the business to move forward unhindered.

Full input from each spouse regarding any important decisions is vital for unity in the relationship, as well as enabling better decision making and, therefore, greater overall success. The more input and counseling that takes place, the better the decisions will be. When a decision needs to be made, but there is not mutual agreement, the spouse that oversees the stewardship ought to make the decision. Don’t try to control everything in your marriage. Even if your spouse chooses to go a different direction than you would have, give them your full support and help them as much as possible out of love and respect.

Assets and Emergencies

If a family controlled asset is sold, the money received is kept in the Family Account or treated like income and divided appropriately. If a spouse sells a personal asset for as much as or less than they paid for it, the money goes into their Personal Account. If they sell the asset at a profit, the original amount they paid for it goes into their Personal Account and the profit is treated as family income.

It is wise to have some savings in the Family Account for unplanned expenses and emergencies. If a family emergency arises that requires more funds than the Family Account can support, the remaining balance could be funded equally from Personal Accounts, upon mutual agreement to do so.

Marriage and Freedom

If you are married, do you remember the time before your marriage when you were “young and free?” You were younger, but were you freer? Your answer depends on how your marriage operates. If you were freer then, what makes you less free now? Let’s look at some of the benefits we commonly associate with a single lifestyle:

• We can have multiple relationships.
• Our lives require less work.
• We have fewer responsibilities.
• We can choose exactly how we spend our money.
• We can move and go places at will.
• We don’t have to answer to anyone.

Singles can have multiple relationships. This idea embodies having multiple, simultaneous relationships and/or multiple short-lived relationships with breakups. If you have multiple relationships at once, you cannot be fully committed to anyone, and are likely concealing them from each other. If your partners are aware of and okay with a multi-relationship arrangement, they are not fully committed to you either. If there is no real commitment, there can be no real fulfillment. If you have multiple short-lived relationships with breakups, then there is also no real fulfillment or “True Love.” How are any of these scenarios desirable?

Single life requires less work. This is not true, unless you choose to have children. It is also assumed that single life has fewer responsibilities.Having these views demonstrates that you have personal expectations that you are choosing to bring to your marriage. These are usually in the form of a belief that you “should” serve your spouse some way. For instance, you may hold the belief that, in marriage, you “should” provide for your spouse financially. That is an expectation. You certainly can choose to do so, but the truth is you don’t have to. You are not required to, and hopefully your spouse does not share a similar mentality of being entitled to you providing for them. BUT, if you have the opportunity to provide for them, and you choose to do so, what a wonderful gift of love and service you can give to them!

If you choose to have children, your workload and responsibilities will increase. But so will your opportunity for greater true joy. As covered earlier, both giving to others and receiving from others bring happiness, but giving really does bring more happiness than receiving. Loving and giving to your children will also bring you immense happiness.

Singles can choose exactly how they spend their money. This may be true, but if the family finance principles already covered are followed, individual spouses can still choose how they spend their personal money.

Singles can move and go places at will. This may also be true, but if the family management principles already covered are followed, individual spouses can still choose to go places at will. Joint agreement is only required when moving the family to a new place.

If we’re married, did we actually become less free? If properly approached, marriage can actually make us more free. A definition of freedom is: “the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint.”[1] What is the usual confinement in marriage? It is unhealthy expectations based in entitlement. It is your personal expectations and possibly your spouse’s expectations (particularly if they attempt to control you). What are the new found freedoms in marriage? They include the opportunity to create true love together through sexual relations (without the negative consequences of having those relations outside of marriage). They include the opportunity to have children (a family) together. They include a statistically greater sense of purpose and personal happiness, better mental and physical health, and longer life. All of these benefits create an elevated level of personal freedom. Having fewer commitments does not necessarily provide more freedom. Many opportunities are only available by making commitments.

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[1] “Freedom,” www.dictionary.com/browse/freedom (accessed April 25, 2022).

Achieve True Joy!

It is time to move ourselves, our marriage, and family management to the next level. Reject entitlement tendencies and keep wants and hopes from becoming expectations. Embrace freedom and equality in your relationships, especially in your marriage. Do not pressure or try to control others. Be your spouse’s greatest ally, and support them in their stewardships, even if you would handle things differently. They will almost certainly love you for it! Hope for great things, but do not expect anything from them. Whatever gifts they give to you or the family, receive with sincere gratitude. Whether married or single, tune into your own heart and live your life your way, instead of submitting to the crowd. Build enduring True Confidence. Be the kind of person you want others to be. Achieve true joy!